i wanna feel good. :)

there's nothing wrong in following rules and instructions specially if they're for your good. it won't hurt you to be a good girl and understanding most of the time. i want to be good and understand but it's not what i'm doing now. i violate rules and see them as cages and enemies. but the truth is they weren't put there to be foes of what interpretations i think of them. they were there to set myself free from fear of systemic life. it doesn't mean that i follow some house rules or life rules then i'm not being unique. it doesn't mean that i emancipate myself from them then i am unique.

what is really being unique for me? is it breaking rules? is it following rules? is it making your own rules?
for me, being unique is being YOU. biologically, i am unique in this world. i don't have any same DNA's or structure with others. it's a good thing that i recognize my biological uniqueness. now mentally, i believe my distinctness springs out from my creativity. creativity mixed with personality brings out the uniqueness in me. i should feel good about this not all are so much blessed with talent. the best part is i had them ever since. these gifts gave me a social and emotional security and reliability. it made me trust myself and that's why i didn't have any dark insecurities within me. i'm not insecure because i have my barrier shield that protects me from insecurities and being insecure.

i just realized that no matter how frequent i am praised with the people around me if they are not my family, always a piece of joy lacks in that moment or in that certain thing i made. i wish i could tell my parents of my accomplishments during my high school and college days. unfortunately, all that matters to them are academic competitiveness.

it is true that when people violate rules, they just want to be conspicuous, to be noticed. they just want someone to talk to them and acknowledge their existence. it is wrong, it is all wrong. do good, and sure people will know of you goodness and, isn't it just like feeling good about yourself also? if you do good you feel the same good feelings after: being recognized that you exist and because you made something that brought happiness to others which eventually reciprocates the same feelings to you.