in words

  you are right there, few steps away from me, explaining things i barely understand. here i am reading the vowels of your lips, always close to your heart, grasping the unfathomable distance. not heaven and earth, nor the metaphors of life and death. 


you are so near and yet so far. 

randomness

downloading his video in my laptop, internet connection empowered by the weakest wifi connection in our school. this sucks.i can't download the video!!!
i'm just gonna frustrate myself. better stop this.

^^^^

i'm in love. let me label that? do i have the guts to say that?
i have seen him this afternoon and my day is complete. i thought i'll never gonna see him today since he is on a trip somewhere. i went to his office to check out if his there but no he's not.
i was about to leave when i run into him. i am supposed to stalk but he walks too fast and so i lost sight of him. well, it's okay.at least i have seen him today. :)

cause granny said so

"if your husband turned cold like a rock, you can't do anything about it."

early this morning just when i'm about to take a bath my grandmother started saying things about relationships and its bitter ends. she said if a man's love for his wife slowly diminishes as time goes by, and if the time will come when the man feels nothing special for his wife anymore, the woman can't do anything about it. no matter how much she love the guy, she can't anymore bring out the passion they once had. granny even reminisced the past and of those her friends' relationships which ended up cold and bitter.

that made me think: why is it to be that way? why can't they just love each other till the end? cause how can they even muster to say those vows when they can't stand it in the long run?

but you know, i have no accounts on saying these things or to give consistent opinions cause i haven't in a serious relationship before or even now.

i just wonder why granny said it with much conviction. like she's pretty sure every relationships end up that way.

i can't run away from the detective within

i am the best interrogator of myself. i know when i lie, i know when i'm honest. i don't even have to write things down or say it cause even before i did, my feelings already knows everything and i don't have a sweet escape from it. maybe people say i'm the greatest liar or subtlest con artist but certainly not to myself. i am a bad liar. and if there's a person i want to bitch slap, she is me. cause i know what i'm thinking and no matter how much i deny facts and feelings, they insist like mushrooms in my head. they seem to be inescapable. 

i am a prisoner of my own deceits and how i wish to free myself from it, even in thoughts. 

less bitter

think like a man.

i think like a man and act like one. now what's wrong with that?

dear you,
         i just thought of writing something today. it's been a while and nothing really changed except that i don't think much of you these days already. maybe i have already accepted the reality that we could never be what i always think about us would be. no never. not anymore. so i'll just let myself, my mind absorb that.
anyway, last week it came to my thought that it is impossible for me to be someone else. and there is no point and no essence acting like another person. because though i can be like her, i can never be parallel to her or be her cause i'm another person. i'm a being separate from another. and so even if i had the idea of her copied, i am and will never be like her. so that was really stupid of me to even think of doing things the other person's way.
        however, there are times when i thought of myself what if i am as gentle and proper as the other. would i be happy? no. just thinking about it really put every nerve in my system indignant. so i concluded, being that other person or acting to be that other even in my mind is stupid.
       

child

i like your childlike innocence. when i see your face, shine with awe and delight. like you see things for the first time. the blooming of the flower, the early sunrise, even the most common things. when you lay your eyes on them, it's like watching a child playing his toy... attentive, amusing, innocent, curious.
i like your natural disposition. despite of the world's trickery and evil. you never let that child in you die or weaken. you always make me feel that the world here and even the world beyond is an infinite adventure, always an exciting journey.
be happy. stay that way. and let your smile give us delight.

just before i let go

now let me savor this bitterness
and let it flow through my veins,
into my heart
that it may weaken its pulse tonight.

now let me savor this anger
that's rotting my mind
and let me loose myself
into sad memories tonight.

now let me savor this pain
and remember the short gasp
of my breath in between
stabs of the dagger.

now let me savor the tears
that salts my wounded heart
that in this woundedness
i may find my salvation;
that in it's scar
will grow beautiful a flower.

let me savor the sight of you
that when i see you
i may feel care not indifference,
and gratitude not hate

let me savor our small talks
then in the languidness of your words
i may find joy and peace,
a balm to my swollen heart.

let me savor the last romance
that when i wake up in the morning
i may accept the reality that your love
is just one of the stars the
twinkles at night.

hope not a typical boring day

not the typical morning blog. my sister and i had a too-emotional quarrel this morning. well let me straight that, she was the one being too emotional and exaggerating about it.  i lost her ribbon. or to put it right, it wasn't me who lost it but my psycho classmate Toni. grrr. the pig-shit! just thinking bout him made me mutter curses under my mouth. i called him so that he would explain that i have nothing to do with it and it's totally his mad doing. but the numb-head is out of reach. hence i receive all my sister's dreadful wrath. she cried and cursed me. yeah, she cursed. she's really good at it. i may say that that is her forte.

my brother while listening to our bickering is too excited to tell it to mom. he really likes it when i am scolded. no wonder he's too happy this morning. oh well, i guess i just have to get myself backed up. it's inevitable anyway. and it wouldn't last long. since i'll be going home late. : p

i expect this day to be a lot boring. i know it is because i'm planning my schedule for the whole day and it sucks. i hate planning. well i'm not good at it. besides things that i plan rarely fall into place. so most of the time i just leave things and try to do my best in my chores. anyway, yeah, i planned the whole day. aaahhh. duh. forget it. stop thinking about it. leave this day to the hands of the good fate. come what may. whatever will be will be. (^^.))

late entry

here i am, sitting at the benches along this narrow aisle. waiting for my friends to come out.
(my teacher passed by when i wrote this. eeeeee! i haven't greeted him! huhuhu! stupid!)
they are having this really boring class in physiology and their teacher hasn't released them yet. oh well. i guess i have to wait longer. (after a short while.) weee! finally! dismissed! hehehe.

dialogue with friends:

me: tagal niyo noh?
friend: pinagalitan kami
me: actually kami din
friend: ganyan talaga siguro pag malapit na finals
me: umiinit ulo ng mga teachers. tsk... last-school-term syndrome

i'm too high, i wanna fly.
i'm too high, you can't reach me.
i'll see to it.
 you won't reach me.
stretch those arms.
even farther than before.
use your reserved charms.
praise me. adore.


****

hey blog. i haven't done most of my tasks today.i feel like i haven't accomplished the thing i should have done today. it's like, something is missing and there's no way i can make it complete, as of the moment. there are lot of stuffs i should attend to. yet i'm too high with my drugs and i feel like too fly to be worried of anything not him.

day with my teachers

my teacher/intellectual crush and i wore the same color of shirt. white. :)

just this morning i was thinking what shirt should i wear and i said, i want it white because it represents sincerity. :) my lovely horror!! he's wearing white too. hehehhehe. if you're a girl you already know what i'm thinking. hehhehe. (*kilig) this is the collective unconscious on the move. connecting me to him. weeee! wishing. free wishing... (^^.)/ 

***

my teacher in history got angry in our class. after giving us some tongue-lashings she walked out. busted. tsk. my seatmate told me that our teacher is growing his wisdom tooth. . . hmmm. lesson learned, always ask if your teacher is experiencing discomforts before having the class, that might trigger her irritation and anger if you do one false move....like giggling and she's not happy about it. whew. 

3:36 pm, Kubo

hey, (i am always confused as to whom should i address my entries. duh. much concern with the trifles.)

well anyway, hey blog, i'm all by myself today. all of my classmates are attending there classes and so i'm left. but i don't mind really, at least i can have a piece of solitude everyday. 

i feel restless and i know why. for many reasons i can't seem to focus my mind, collect my thoughts and place it on harmony. a lot of personal and academic concerns are bothering me right now, and i don't know where should i start. well, i believe i'm starting now through writing it all down. :) 

just this morning i was stricken by tidal waves of emotions. i nearly drown myself. i tried to calm every nerves of my system, and was partially successful. now i'm okay, i guess. 

here goes my eye balls again, seeking for someone i want to forget. 

i so want to talk about what happen to me this morning. write the details of my tangled emotions. but i think the place is too uncomfortable. :p

anyway, we'll have a quiz tonight in history. i reviewed my notes already but still not confident. 

i am worried about my tuition. though it's my parents who should be worrying right now. i'm still affected anyhow. haist, i'll just try to shoo this off my mind. it will just drain my psychic energy. 

my hands are trembling and restless. it feels like an energy so strong is suppressed within me and it wants to escape out. i badly need an outlet. someone to punch or to shout or to talk to. i don't know. i just want this energy out of my system and drain myself. until i can give no more. then maybe i can sleep after. 

bring me to the hospital

do you know what it feels like waking up in the morning with a very big smile in your face, heart jumping like it's gonna run an Olympic race, you're so restless you want to bang your head on the wall, your hands are trembling and you know you don't have caffeine intake for the past days, your tear glands are so active and you wanna cry but you don't want to cause it'll make you look stupid (though you know you are)??

yes. exactly. very well said. yet not precisely described what i felt this morning.

do you know how it feels like you know the cause of all these phenomenon happening in your system and you don't know what to do about it?!... it sucks!

you're listening to some song in your playlist to calm your self, relax your senses yet it triggers your excitement. you try to go along with the song to ease the excitement yet it so frustrating cause you're not familiar with lyrics. and so you just listen and the lyrics prick you like tiny needles, making your stomach churn. you don't know what to do with the food in front of you cause even if you're hungry you suddenly lost your appetite. you want to be disturbed so that the intruder will somehow bring you back to your senses, but at the same time want to savor the moment. you try to rationalize the phenomenon. you overthink. make your brain work 10 times it's usual rapidity. you can't stay focused. you're MAD.

like capital M-A-D.

i'm mad

as of the moment
i want to shout,
                       at you
i want to run,
                       to you.
i want cry,
                       my heart out.
i want to sing,
                       my emotion's lyrics.
i want to dance,
                       with you.
i want to fly,
                       in the heavens that's where you are.
i want to glow,
                       inside your heart.
i want to drive,
                       my self in your road.
i want write,
                       our story.
i want to tell,
                       you everything.
i want ... to tell...

              to feel.

and this is the wanting of the moment. but this is more than want...and dreaming. this more than what my heart can handle. more than my mind can comprehend. more than what my senses can feel. more than i imagine.

random thoughts

today. i'm sitting in one of the kiosks at the gazebo here in our campus. i really don't like this place, but not that i hate it. i just feel like i'll never have any privacy in this place. it's too public. (duh. gazebo nga di ba??)

holy crap.

this stuff i'm writing. it's not really what i want to write anyway.

it's about this guy several steps away from me sitting in the middle kiosk. well, he's the guy who once bothered my peaceful life in school. after several lines written he left. *pufth*

it's fascinating how i am well known and remembered in school. amazingly, the girl sitting in the opposite sit called me by my name and asked if i could look after her bag while she'll be away to get her stuffs. i replied yes since i'll be staying for the next 30 minutes. she said that she's a friend of a friend of mine. well, distant friend perhaps cause the person she's referring to is not really a very close friend of mine. just a common friend of a friend. mind you, i always run in to people i don't know and they greet me, by my name. not that i never met the person perhaps some distant connections and got acquainted. maybe. i'm good at forgetting. 

it's amazing how i can establish many relationships and can get to connect with people, regardless the age gap, course, gender, personality whatsoever. i am proud to say that a lot of people likes my personality. and that i'm comfortable to be with. i can get close with the dumbest and even groups of school intellectuals, homos to lesbos, from the serious types to the hedonists. 

yet despite the diversity of the people i am with, i never loose grip of my individuality or my self. i can still manage to be me in everything i do in every people i am with. i'm a non-conformist and this is the thing i am truly proud of. 

i borrowed 8 books at the library and i am to read them this weekend. weeee!

i read a lot of books. before i usually update my blog on the books i read. but since we do not have internet connection anymore i stopped posting updates. 

today on the list:

1. Love and Will by Rollo May

2. Kierkegaard by Michael Watts

3. The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Casmus

4.The Metamorphosis and other stories by Franz Kafka

5. The Trial by Franz Kafka

6. Psyche and Symbols by C.G Jung

7. Theories of Personality by Gregory and Jess Feist

8. A Room for Ones Own by Virginia Woolf

great weekend with good books to read. :)

DAY AND NIGHT

lost pages

THE MECHANIC MUSE

From Scroll to Screen

Illustration by Joon Mo Kang

By LEV GROSSMAN

Published: September 2, 2011

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Something very important and very weird is happening to the book right now: It’s shedding its papery corpus and transmigrating into a bodiless digital form, right before our eyes. We’re witnessing the bibliographical equivalent of the rapture. If anything we may be lowballing the weirdness of it all.

Related

• The Mechanic Muse: The Jargon of the Novel, Computed (July 31, 2011)

The last time a change of this magnitude occurred was circa 1450, when Johannes Gutenberg invented movable type. But if you go back further there’s a more helpful precedent for what’s going on. Starting in the first century A.D., Western readers discarded the scroll in favor of the codex — the bound book as we know it today.

In the classical world, the scroll was the book format of choice and the state of the art in information technology. Essentially it was a long, rolled-up piece of paper or parchment. To read a scroll you gradually unrolled it, exposing a bit of the text at a time; when you were done you had to roll it back up the right way, not unlike that other obsolete medium, the VHS tape. English is still littered with words left over from the scroll age. The first page of a scroll, which listed information about where it was made, was called the “protocol.” The reason books are sometimes called volumes is that the root of “volume” is volvere, to roll: to read a scroll, you revolved it.

Scrolls were the prestige format, used for important works only: sacred texts, legal documents, history, literature. To compile a shopping list or do their algebra, citizens of the ancient world wrote on wax-covered wooden tablets using the pointy end of a stick called a stylus. Tablets were for disposable text — the stylus also had a flat end, which you used to squash and scrape the wax flat when you were done. At some point someone had the very clever idea of stringing a few tablets together in a bundle. Eventually the bundled tablets were replaced with leaves of parchment and thus, probably, was born the codex. But nobody realized what a good idea it was until a very interesting group of people with some very radical ideas adopted it for their own purposes. Nowadays those people are known as Christians, and they used the codex as a way of distributing the Bible.

One reason the early Christians liked the codex was that it helped differentiate them from the Jews, who kept (and still keep) their sacred text in the form of a scroll. But some very alert early Christian must also have recognized that the codex was a powerful form of information technology — compact, highly portable and easily concealable. It was also cheap — you could write on both sides of the pages, which saved paper — and it could hold more words than a scroll. The Bible was a long book.

The codex also came with a fringe benefit: It created a very different reading experience. With a codex, for the first time, you could jump to any point in a text instantly, nonlinearly. You could flip back and forth between two pages and even study them both at once. You could cross-check passages and compare them and bookmark them. You could skim if you were bored, and jump back to reread your favorite parts. It was the paper equivalent of random-access memory, and it must have been almost supernaturally empowering. With a scroll you could only trudge through texts the long way, linearly. (Some ancients found temporary fixes for this bug — Suetonius apparently suggested that Julius Caesar created a proto-notebook by stacking sheets of papyrus one on top of another.)

Over the next few centuries the codex rendered the scroll all but obsolete. In his “Confessions,” which dates from the end of the fourth century, St. Augustine famously hears a voice telling him to “pick up and read.” He interprets this as a command from God to pick up the Bible, open it at random and read the first passage he sees. He does so, the scales fall from his eyes and he becomes a Christian. Then he bookmarks the page. You could never do that with a scroll.

Right now we’re avidly road-testing a new format for the book, just as the early Christians did. Over the first quarter of this year e-book sales were up 160 percent. Print sales — codex sales — were down 9 percent. Those are big numbers. But unlike last time it’s not a clear-cut case of a superior technology displacing an inferior one. It’s more complex than that. It’s more about trade-offs.

On the one hand, the e-book is far more compact and portable than the codex, almost absurdly so. E-books are also searchable, and they’re green, or greenish anyway (if you want to give yourself nightmares, look up the ecological cost of building a single Kindle). On the other hand the codex requires no batteries, and no electronic display has yet matched the elegance, clarity and cool matte comfort of a printed page.

But so far the great e-book debate has barely touched on the most important feature that the codex introduced: the nonlinear reading that so impressed St. Augustine. If the fable of the scroll and codex has a moral, this is it. We usually associate digital technology with nonlinearity, the forking paths that Web surfers beat through the Internet’s underbrush as they click from link to link. But e-books and nonlinearity don’t turn out to be very compatible. Trying to jump from place to place in a long document like a novel is painfully awkward on an e-reader, like trying to play the piano with numb fingers. You either creep through the book incrementally, page by page, or leap wildly from point to point and search term to search term. It’s no wonder that the rise of e-reading has revived two words for classical-era reading technologies: scroll and tablet. That’s the kind of reading you do in an e-book.

The codex is built for nonlinear reading — not the way a Web surfer does it, aimlessly questing from document to document, but the way a deep reader does it, navigating the network of internal connections that exists within a single rich document like a novel. Indeed, the codex isn’t just another format, it’s the one for which the novel is optimized. The contemporary novel’s dense, layered language took root and grew in the codex, and it demands the kind of navigation that only the codex provides. Imagine trying to negotiate the nested, echoing labyrinth of David Mitchell’s “Cloud Atlas” if it were transcribed onto a scroll. It couldn’t be done.

God knows, there was great literature before there was the codex, and should it pass away, there will be great literature after it. But if we stop reading on paper, we should keep in mind what we’re sacrificing: that nonlinear experience, which is unique to the codex. You don’t get it from any other medium — not movies, or TV, or music or video games. The codex won out over the scroll because it did what good technologies are supposed to do: It gave readers a power they never had before, power over the flow of their own reading experience. And until I hear God personally say to me, “Boot up and read,” I won’t be giving it up.

Lev Grossman is the author of the novels “The Magicians” and “The Magician King.” He is also the book critic at Time magazine.

let's all be grateful for the conflicts

frictions and conflicts make our lives less absurd. you should thank me for that you know.

about the weather, D building, cancelled examination, and my hair...

September 13, 2011, Tuesday
8:38 am Philippine time

the city is covered with thick clouds. the weather is gloomy and i think this will last for the whole day. i brought my sweater with me. it is too big for me that its length extends to my knees. obviously, it's not mine but father's. i use it because i like wearing oversize shirts and sweaters. it's more comfortable and so i can move my body freely.
it's still raining outside. i would like to have a cup of coffee but i still need to go down. it's too far from where i am now. i'm in the 4th floor of D building. i like hanging out in this place though, so to speak, it is a bit far from my classrooms. this is the oldest building in our school. only few undergraduate classes are conducted here, most are law students. and because they have their classes in the evening, you won't see a lot of students in the morning and in the afternoon. so there are no disturbances, very advantageous for a person like me who likes to read and be with myself most of the time (anti-social register). the classrooms are air-conditioned and a bit dark, just the perfect ambiance for reading, reflecting, writing, etc. the gloomy aura also adds the mysterious effect of the place. it always induces my imaginative juice.
i'm supposed to have my exam today but my professor cancelled it for the nth time. i don't know when will we ever have our midterm exam. or will we even have one? only the teacher knows. my next class is on 4:15, apparently, i have a very long vacant time today. brilliant. i left my books because i thought it would just disturb my reviews. i shouldn't have left it. but it was already too late when i received the frustrating news. i am in school, heading towards the room when they informed me.
anyway, i like my hair today. it's not frizzy and dry. thanks to that shampoo and conditioner i'm using. now i am more comfortable and confident to grow my hair long. i cut it last month because i cannot manage it anymore. it became so unruly and tangled, perhaps it's because of the conditioner i'm using. i observed that it usually results to bad outcomes when the shampoo you use is not appropriate to the conditioner. my hair is an empirical evidence. but since now that i am using the perfect combination (after several trials and errors), my hair became softer and more manageable (can i pass for a hair product endorser?) hehehehe.

..
i'll be posting updates about my day and myself every now and then.

all is well

write about happy positive things and remember this mantra: "all is well."

HAPPY HAPPY CLAP CLAP!

you're happy and you know it... i'm happy and i know it... CLAP! CLAP!
(trying to make a tune.)

there are a lot of ways to outdo sadness and gloom. like....start it through prayers. then, you'll feel good.
afterwards, think of a person that can paint a smile in your face. you always feel good when you do that. along with that, think of happy memories of you and him.. or if so happens that you don't have one...use your creative and romantic imaginations and make fictions of you enjoying happy moments with that someone. they say, the more you think about it, the greater would be it's chances of happening in real life. i have tried this a lot of times already and i'm not disappointed with the outcome. sometimes, even surprising things happen, things i never expected to happen for real. it comes sweeter and more romantic.





there are reasons to frown but there are a lot of reasons to smile...a lot of people who can make you happy. start it in you. they say he who brings happiness deserves a paradise. then lets make a paradise here on Earth by bringing happiness to everyone.

the current status is: -0

if there is one thing i should hate my self about is my skill to pretend i'm fine when in truth it's otherwise. they say it's a kind of ability i should be thankful of because not all can smile and hurt at the same time. not all can make others laugh when deep inside you have many reasons to gloom and frown. i'm thankful i am but sometimes i feel like all of my hurtful feeling are stuck within me that i just want to shout it all and cry my heart just so to make me feel good... feel better...feel vulnerable and weak and fine.

i wanna cry because i'm jealous and like the jealousy is so unbearable. finally, i mustered all my courage just to write this...jealous. no word can best or less explain what i felt just a while ago.

now what? what if i'm jealous? so what if you really look good together? so what if i we can never be? so what if she has greater chances than me? so what if there's no point denying your chemistry? would that make me less in love? YES! I SHOULD!

so let me make sense of this entry: i am not jealous...i am excruciatingly jealous.

pathetic post.

can we just stop and talk a while?

there are things i wanna do with you like forgetting about that agreement we had before and just go with the flow of the wind... the wind, or is it some invisible gravity that leads me to you, and pull us together. you know what, i hope we could have some time and talk about mundane things with each other like what ordinary couples do. that is if i can consider us "couples"...which i think you'll certainly object..cause we know we're not. well anyway,  yeah, let's talk over a cup of coffee and say things we wanted to say, things we are both suppressing for a long time now, things which your stare and frequent glances want to say but can't actually be conveyed by such gestures, issues we want to resolve, issues that are constantly haunting me or even you.
but taking those silly issues aside...can we just stop and talk a while? wouldn't that be nice? i mean let's experience each other by conversation and whatnot. you know, there are a lot of things can be expressed through words and not just by a kiss. and those are a lot sensible. and by that, we don't know, perhaps we could  finally make sense of this whole affair that we have.
well, there are just two possible outcomes really... that is a dead end or a continuation. by dead end i mean dead, a period, a stop sign, a red light, a no and no more. we let go like nothing happened and just like how we started it...meaningless and fake. hate to say this and i hate my self for being brutally honest and unsure of my feelings. this is not meaningless because if it is then i wouldn't be thinking of you half the day, i wouldn't want us to have that cup of coffee together and get to know each other more. if this is fake, then that kiss, and the feelings i felt at the moment is decisive. but no, i'm trying to convince my self. and partly, i am.
second would be a continuation, a road we will be strolling together. and isn't that...lovely? (*free wishing)

hey blog,

 nothing really interesting except that, still, i'm worried about that money i lost. good thing is, i'm not alone in this that's why there's no point giving up and gloom. all is well,all will be well. :') 

humility

the knowledge that i accumulated, the people i conversed with, the experience i had taught me the art of humility.  reason is the pride of my "humaness", by reason i integrated the gist of the experiences i had in my past and present life. the conglomerated perspectives sow the seed of humility in me. i listen with open heart and open mind. entertain opinions foreign to me, and with them, i learn the things i haven't known. it leads me to an unusual side of the road, but making sure i will not loose sight of my goals.

let me update me and you about myself.

what's the latest updates about me?

since i'm tired of thinking about someone, why not think myself now? not that i've totally neglected myself. but recently, i guess every thing i think of is about things not really concerning or has nothing to so with self growth and development. i guess i have been to obsessed with the fictional him-and-me relationship i'm cooking in my head. duh. i know, i know, there could be no girl more pathetic than me...(but you could pin point some worse than me. cause i guess i'm not the only one existing who feels this kind of insanity.) 

anyway, things gone normally unusual since i stepped into this course. it's normal in kinda not normal way i guess... do you know what i mean? i hope i can explain this well someday...someday when i'll come to comprehend it myself. that won't be sooner than you imagine. let me enumerate few of those things or lets say"evidences": first, i bring big bag in school. it's too big that my granny always make fun of it every morning before i go to school. like asking what mountain i'll be climbing this time. basically because my bag is not as big as them but just slight smaller. so every time i went to school, the feeling is like balancing earth on my back. some even joke that my bag is way bigger than me, or am i stowing away cause it seems like i brought all my stuffs in my cabinet. duh. but what really is inside this bag and why is it so big? inside it are my books, my laptop, a beauty kit (just powder and lip balm), notebooks, pens, chargers.. that's all i guess..no snake or something. why big? cause i don't have any other bags left. the last time i used this was way back my grade school years. so it's kinda antique already. 

second, God bless me, i'm studying my lessons. i read those that i should really be reading. unlike before when i just take a final exam for granted and read some other books, impractically not related to my course. but now i'm kinda experiencing the procrastination again, yet i'm coping it up. and i guess i could really manage it if i'm positively and consistently motivated by myself...cause who else will do it for me anyway? so that slight of problem is solved already, so i have a little worries about it now. i hope i could keep this up till the end of the semester.... or forever. hehehe. 

third, i have my faith in God in me. 

is this for you?

there are times that i want to lie inside the nest of nostalgia, and comfort myself with the vague memories of you and me, that i try not to disappear to oblivion. maybe that's why i want to re-member and recapitulate those times when i thought that you looked at me with sincere feelings. when i thought that you, and that light i see in you, transcends through my heart and stayed there, for a while. but why, the more i remember and play back those discs of memories, they start to betray my mind, the more i think of it...less i'm convinced that there was really a time that you felt something peculiar for me. that feeling i dare to explain, for the sheer hope of finding some hints you laid there for me to seek and ponder. yet, even though i tell myself every night, like that of a mother repeats her fairy tale to her child, i slowly forget things. forget some of the details, it's not that vivid anymore. and not just the memories but also the feelings i have, morphed into it's "safe" form.

maybe, things should end up this way, perhaps for us. though i try to refuse, the signs foreshadowed the near end...it seems inevitable says my mind...seems inevitable this time. and even though the heart is waging some war against it, the heart, in the middle of the battle, lost the vigor to held it's sword and her eyes once filled with fierce, lost its hue.

i'm giving myself a rest, for a while.

your magic continues in the words you say, in those you write, in everything you do...the magic is in you. making them more visible in my senses everyday, giving me the reason to find my own unique magic. ever since we have never been that close, or give myself a chance to get close to you, even though there are times that i seem to think that have i really known you as who you are, or as what God made you, you. there are times when i thought that what i see and what you let me see or make me think of you is all right for me, and nevertheless, should be satisfied. but why this urge, this wanting to discover you even more ignites in my bosom? why this strong feeling says...i want you more. i want you and more. i want more, of you. and for this to happen...i ask for some time with you. but why don't we give ourselves a chance? or is it just me thinking of that, this whole knowing-you-knowing-me affair i'm cooking...i'm cooking and i want us to share the experience.

i;m giving myself reasons, in the absence or in the vagueness of the questions starting to take roots in my mind. and what reasons do i give myself? and for what are they? i may know the answer now, and may tell you, yet, i refuse myself, i refuse to give myself in fear of... a lot of things to be feared of. Reasons...reasons...keys to my conundrums, then i'm leading myself in a road unstable, changing and constantly disappearing. this meanings i'm giving to symbols you never let me see, cause let me admit it, you never did made your self readable to me. why? i am asking this now, the question i should have asked myself and you before i am where i am now, before where we are now. now i'm standing beside my window, restless and tired, waiting when will my frog prince give me the answer to this question. because i'm tired formulating and reasoning, when i don't even know if there is really some one to be reasoned to, if there is really something worth the time reasoning and demystifying.

it seems to me that i'm writing my own fairy tale and it's unfinished, cause the prince seemed to be unsure of himself. so let me put this pen for a while, then wait, someday, your hands will hold mine, and together we can do something, our story, both you and me will write.

(for a moment, i just thought the introduction has nothing to do with the whole thing. hehehhehe)

20th

it's only God's love that is constant, unchangeable, forever, unwavering, genuine.

Lord God, thank you for giving me the blessing of reaching this year. ^^. 

happy 20th anniversary to us, Lord, through all this years, you've been my faithful partner. 

praises and glory to Him. 

DUH!

hey it's me blogger,
         God has been so great to me for having me enrolled in this course, for giving me wonderful dedicated companies to be with, for my family, for my gift of knowledge. yet, i think i am not using the most of these gifts. i mean if i am to assess my performance at the end of the grading, i feel i haven't done my best in all. tracing back the past weeks, i remember myself sauntering and procrastinating a lot, specially on those times that i supposed to be doing my homework, or projects, or reading in advance. God, i'm afraid i'm doing the cycle again. motivated at first, then slowly i decline the pace. oh how i hate it to happen, never again, i won't let myself do that.
         the fruits of my procrastination yield me bad grades, that sucks. i should be doing something. let me dig down the core of this. i always sleep late and wake up too early in the morning due to my schedule. i go to school early so that i could still have much longer time for my academics, i also do the same in the afternoon since i have a 5 hours vacant time; time that should be used productively.  it is fashioned in such way so that when i get home, i won't have anything to worry about so as i did everything that should be done in school. but this framework is beginning not to be useful and declining in such a way that i cannot seem to study well anymore. i wake up 5 am, do my task, prepare for school. i reach school at approximately 7:20 am, i should be studying YET instead of doing so, i waste my time surfing the net! imagine, from 7:30-9:30...crap. then the moment i stop i'll just then realize that i never made use of my time efficiently, and the same thing happens in my 1:00- 5:00 pm vacant time. isn't this great?? weeks went by and my stamina is slowly failing me, including my mental vigor. usually i study almost every time i get the chance but now i'm more occupied on dilly-dallying.
         i believe there is something wrong with my schedule and with myself here. i wake up too early i sleep late. i don't have enough rest which results to poor academic performance. see, how can i study well if i'm tired?? and how hypocrite am i to be claiming that i study when in fact i do otherwise! i have been experiencing headache due to unbalance sleeping schedule, hence, i neglect my studies over catching some good rest wherever i can get the chance. this is not good.
          i also believe it's something to do with my motivations, i observed that every time i attempt to laze i always think of "someone" as my stimulus, which i think is not helpful. i mean, "ice" is a good source of motivation but i think i shouldn't just revolve myself around him. i'm not doing what i suppose to do. what a person who has a crush to an intellectual person supposed to do! damn! and it is: doing my best to be more DESERVING FOR MYSELF... you think he will be happy if he happens to know that i have been acting stupid??
          second round of tongue slashing myself; never ever say that he alone should be the one motivating you, cause eventually when things go haywire, specially your over sensitivity; so will be you're academics. don't let that happen. be motivated by YOURSELF, where is your competitive "animalistic" side?? my radar can't sense or locate the perfectionist's instincts. this is not so you... haven't you notice that?? you've been acting mediocre and you hate "mediocre". or do you want me to bitch-slap you?!


DUUUHH!!!!

just the bell curve...

dear blogger,
        do you think i'm making the wrong decision again? when i'll write something in here instead of delving through my books? tell me blog. cause there are things i can't say to myself without me maudlin. but what difference would it make if i'll ask you for that, you don't know what it is, you're not my manipulator. i'm a manipulator of myself and all those claimers, obsess hegemonic bastards. depots implementing their realities on me. crap. perfect crap on a perfect bell curve.
what's the sense of all this emotionalism, nothing really. but just a perfect waste of time, but wasting time is experiencing myself, and experiencing myself means discovering the broad horizons of the bleak continent of myself. but what could be emptier than discovering the emptiness in you? this is so pathetic. crap. hurl me in an empty trash, so that i could claim that i'm the only one empty here.

....
all those shits above stemmed from emotional stability and disability. don't believe, please don't take heed of what i'm saying now.

screening for the publication

dear blogger,

i just had the screening for the school publication cartoonist. indeed, it was a wonderful experience, to be with people who i have same interests with, drawing for the same purpose, aiming for a single goal.
wow, it's been a very long time since the last i draw. it's been months ago already and i'm feeling and enjoying the passion flooding in, coming back. i thought, perhaps, i would fail myself this time cause i wasn't ready or i'm shading myself with notions and negative ideas. i might fail or not able to draw anything because i forgot how to draw. but no, when i got there, and when i see those of my contestants starting to draw... i begun as well. though with trembling hands. i tried to muster every confidence and talent and skills left to procure something out. and i believe i haven't failed myself... and God... and those who trust me. however, because i didn't take my lunch, things became a bit encumbered. my stomach is growling, sending chills to my hands. they're trembling, can't hardly move them well. i got so frustrated at the beginning cause i can't seem to focus myself on what i'm doing. but i pulled it through... i believe i did. though it's been tough.

this experience is a pure advantage on me, though there is a possibility i wouldn't make it for the publication. well, i pray not. the experience brought back my passion, my vigor, and gave me reason to develop myself more. i realized that i must humble myself, because there is a lot more to learn, and i'm just starting. that the state of my skills now is so little. i learned to prepare myself always. i admit i went there not even sure of myself. i didn't took effort to bring appropriate drawing materials. i know i dilly-dallied this one, but i know for myself that i really want the position. i've been so doubtful that loose focus and didn't brought the right tools. i would've done much better than that. so i'm not putting the blame to anyone, except to myself. and though it's hard, i admit, a git reasons why i wasn't so prepared. i might say i had even lost my interest even before it started. but this is all because i thought i forgot how to draw. but no.... i may say that all had been well and good. moreover, basing from the juror's smile, i believe i gain his approval. and i'm happy with that.

thank God, he never left me. and all the while He has been there for me.

the chocolate coated week... (love is surprisingly in the classroom!)

hey blogger,

i'm dreadfully tired but i still don't want to go home. i want to write something here. i need to write something to cool down my temper. 

(i believe that laptops should be placed on your lap, so that's what i'm doing now. perhaps i don't feel so intimate with my lappy if i won't do so. another, i want to feel at home. :) and comfortable. )

i can say that a lot of things happened since the beginning of the semester. i unfold innate characters that i can't believe i actually possess and good to say that many of which are positive once. like punctuality. i'm proud that i'm doing good on my academics now. it's because of the overwhelming inspirations and motivations around me. they really helped a lot. and just talking bout my inspiration, he's my intellectual crush, my platonic love(?). :) well i don't want to label it as "love" yet, but i guess there won't be no offense in doing so. hehe. 

what i'm trying to say is that... i love my days here in the university. embellished with wonderful happenings and learning. it's like everything is unfolding gradually, and i'm savoring each moment. though tough times are inevitable they are something i can handle. now i can pull through things without worrying much because my confidence is properly aligned on where it should be of my much use. i mean, i am more confident to ask and admit if i don't really know or can't understand the lessons. the thing i refrain myself from doing before because i'm too proud of myself and claim that i very much capable of learning independently. also, i use my reading instincts on the right situations and books. before, i could finish books on one sitting though it's not really part of my academics. not that i totally deprive myself  from reading novels and other books impractically not related to my course syllabus, not that i discourage contextualization, but now i'm rather more rational and clear thinking on what to read first and on what books i could use as sorts of rewards. and just thinking about books, it's really helpful to read in advance. now, i'm not worrying much because I've already read my lessons. now i can make use of my time on reviews and on some articles to be read. i can't feel much pressure at all because i'm using my time efficiently. great thing about advance reading.

        

as much as i want to write something about my intellectual crush, i guess i can't do it now. and the reason? .. i don't know where to start with. that's how immensely interesting he is. everyday is another part of him i gradually discover, everyday i'm liking him, and loving the idea... the thought...of him and me. hahaha! BINGO! at last i have finally admit it to myself. i always deny this feeling, like i'm pretending that this is just mere infatuation and hence not to be taken seriously. but darn it, darn myself, this is something i can't and must not deny anymore... he won't love that, i won't love that. 

tomorrow's Saturday, and i have much to do. i pray for peaceful and happy weekend for me, my family, my friends, and to my intellectual crush. anyway, don't you think "intellectual crush" is too long for a pseudo-name? ...i know, let's address him as "ICE" which stands for Intellectual Crush E______. his name starts in letter E. 

goodbye for now. writing soooooooooon. haha! blissful weekend everyone! \{^.^}/

hey, i found you!

accidentally bumped on this picture while looking for images of Plato and Socrates

on matters about writing and flirting girls

dear blogger,
        i still have to wait an hour before my next class. honestly, i dunno why i opened my blog account today since can't think of anything to write. maybe i just feel like writing or i just missed writing. just as i remember, last week i tried to write something in here... i got all the ingredients necessary before  can proceed to writing. mood, a topic to write, and my laptop. but when I'm about to write, i suddenly forgot how to write. i began to think how and what to write first. it left me into deep thinking that i lost my mood and so i decided to close my laptop and read some good book. though i forgot the "problem" for a while, it didn't depart my thoughts. it's quite disturbing to have such idea running in your head, specially if you're in the middle of college. where i would really involve myself to lot of serious college writing.
        perhaps, it's because i haven't written for two months already that i momentarily lost that natural and compulsive writing instinct. before, i used to write at least 4 blog entries a day. i practically write almost everything i thought at the moment, so that it won't leave my mind. i don't really have a good memory that's why i always take down notes; in my phone, in scratch papers and sometimes in my palm, when there's nothing available at hand. i write a lot despite my horrendous longhand. but every time i look at my paper full of writings, it instantly becomes symmetrical, like an ancient Chinese calligraphy gracefully and painstakingly written on scrolls.
       

***

can you write something sensible and deep around these girls flirting on some boys they think cute? haist, not a good place for writing. i should evacuate the area immediately before i puke on there vomity-looking faces. that wouldn't be nice, though i could readily justify the feat. these girls can really knock you out.
      

nonsense entries

dear blog,
        i love spiced ham. specially when it's free.
we don't read mashed potatoes just mashed minds. we analyze neurotic behaviors.
i mean, we run the world. this mother fucker world.
i don't speak french. and i eat a lot of french fries. fried french flies.
hi baby, oh my God! shet! shet! shet! wuhuhuhuh! shet ! morning is so early. yes of course eleven still. are we fake?? yes we ARE. we're from China. aren't we? hehehe
it's not important if you do make sense. as long as i do. (?)
it's bad. very bad legs. cause they're hot. and leggy. so?
it's raining... cats and dogs. leashed cat's and dogs. they all got tangled. they all died.. hanging beneath the clouds. and it's stinking. the whole city 'i mean. many died.
again, i don't read french. because french are for the .... language of love. omelet with cheese.
juh-tame... untamed. hidalgo. untamed dog. niyugan. word of the day.
boondok- bundok... does it make sense to me?
stop the laugh, stop the english... it's too mongrel.
japanese are really chinky. they have chinky eyes i mean. that's great.
the girl beside me is so stupid.
i am stupid. most of the time. like now.

i didn't know i could be this sweet.... before.

Report · 1:07am

gud morning beh..wla aqng lod. hehehe.
ur sooo mean.

November 27

Report · 11:28pm

Bon...my phone has been dysfunctional again. so.. i can't text you for a couple of days now. love you always. <3
(... i charged my phone for almost 7 hours... and .. the rest is HISTORY._)

November 28

Report · 1:50pm

ok: )

November 30

Report · 1:42pm

hellow bon. :) haven't txting you for quite some time already. . and i miss you now. <3
hope we could see each other..<3 yngat ka lage sa lahat ng shows and rehearsals mo hah. i'll pray for you , your family and friends' safety.
mwah. :)

December 2

Report · 4:10pm

hai bon.. hmmm. miss u na. <3
mwah! xoxo
lab u!

December 3

Report · 12:57pm

: ))

December 12

Report · 7:25pm

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud, or the moment just... passes you by...

December 21

Report · 7:10am

Where ever I go, whatever I do, I carry a little part of you with me right here in the center of me heart. <3 i may not be there bon.. as much as we want to. but, you would always be in the deepest corner of my heart! jumping and kicking... keeping me aware that it's you who make my heart beat. :)) HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i wish you good health.. all the successes.. happiness and blessings. mwah!

Report · 1:42pm

Thank you bon: ))

Today

the girl with the crack voice became my dynamo of volition for today's afternoon (longest title since)

    hai, (monosyllabic for an intro sounded boring)

 i'm gonna put something in this blog after a week of futility, bearable boredom, poverty, mental CRIPPLEDness . i'm in my best friends house to pay a visit and avail the free internet. beautiful song is on the air and i don't know the title (sucks) but it says "angels brought me here.." well i believe myself to be an angel and my feet brought me here (apropos). i'm not use to writing with background music that's why don't bother yourself to connect the dots. Irish LOVES to CONCERT while bathing, so it takes her not less than an hour in the bathroom. well, she really sings great, so i'm not giving myself the rights to complain...since there's nothing to. and this is not my house, so i can't just turn her off like what i do with our cassette player at home. another beautiful song in the air... beautiful and most importantly, not bitter. i like this song, but i like Jed Madela's version better. what's the title again?? (sucks) it says..."let's not bring the past back anymore.."i can't bring mine back, and i don't have plans too. besides, i abhor redundancy. past is past. embrace the present since i can't embrace anything in my past, future is too aloof, so i won't trouble myself catching her like a girl or a boy, or both. (duh? where does my brain leading me? where am i leading you??) 

another song being played, beautiful, simple, and quite uncanny cause it's half. i can't understand the chorus since it's in Spanish and the verses Filipino. this is what i realized on the first verses but the following verses are really stupid, silly ordinary and bitter. i think i'll change my mind. now i change my mind. it's not beautiful, it's too simple making it ordinary, and no it's not uncanny, it's just so "nothing song" i don't know why it's even played on air. the artist's voice is too common, her style unoriginal...in short, i can't find nothing exceptional in her and her song. i'm not a singer but as a listener i believe i have some genetic knowledge on music. and because i have an eye for beauty, i think my judgments are valid. she won't pass for a recording artist, i don't know what the producers SEEN in her and played her song. duh. typical pinoy. always conscious with the image rather the talent. physical image as the basis of fame, is a fleeting fame...or not fame at all. i advice her to quit singing and find greener pastures as an endorser(?). instead of pestering every human's afternoon. 

venting. duh. stop this now. resume later. in my room, using my PC...unlimited. 

 

i can sleep anywhere.

 this photo was taken by my best friend Irish. i slept on the cold floor in a college museum.














Jasper, a friend of mine, took this photo on a ride heading home. 






                                                              This is the edited version.
                                                        (i know. i know. bad editing.)

American Idol 2011 Top 7 - Haley Reinhart (Rolling In The Deep)

GROWL YOU STAGE TIGRESS! RRarrr!

random. random. random

"I can lend you my books, my notes, my thoughts but not my genius."

- Cyrell

notes in my phone (cause everywhere i write)

don't get confused by the randomness of thoughts. they were made random. but if you observe, the entries sprung from one emotion.

***
Always make efficient of the resources available at hand.

***
i named myself Carla, and some other names i already forgot.

***
not all days are perfect, this day justified it. sometimes odd things happen in the near end of the day, and it doesn't give you a complete sense of satisfaction for you will be bothered by the things happened just a while ago than what happened the whole day. this will give you a terrible night and deprive you of sleep. because of the terrible and often unexpected conclusion. in the end you will ask if you were happy? i will leave this question hanging for now. tomorrow, everything will be better, i will give this question an answer.

***

i guest the biggest wrong of the day is giving my brother a bullet to shot his gun on me.

***
and because i am deprived of my writing table. my cellphone's notepad will be the only palpable alternative at hand. This is again about the things disclosed today...and a lot of things happen, withing small ranges. i believe i momentarily lived a life both in past and present. i reminisced who i was before and find relativism to what have become of me now.

***
i can't seem to conceive any genuine in you. i don't know, if the mask obviously worn is a mask at all. if your hypocrisy plotted by you foolery is for you to hurt my morals. i don't know if that's the purpose, putting unto vital consideration the follies and unbearable flippancy of your conduct, are you playing hurtful jokes on me, with obvious motives behind? but you make yourself too conspicuous i don't know what you really want. and this question constantly haunts this whole paragraph like a wandering ghost in a ghost town.
***
what can be more painful than to thrust in your heart the tarnished blade of distrust, and what will be left in you if the last ounce of trust poured out fast from your heart. Bleeding, you can't put your arms upon your chest, coward to feel then flowing out of you, ashamed of the truth, confuse of the now and the uncertain hereafter, weak from hopelessness . If death equals distrust, then verdict has long been pronounced, and the convictions of the guilty will be finally laid.

***
fatigued, my right gave up, now it's my left painstakingly enduring the benefit and curse of my insomnia.

***

:few of the notes in my phone. last night.