Wednesday, September 28, 2011

hope not a typical boring day

not the typical morning blog. my sister and i had a too-emotional quarrel this morning. well let me straight that, she was the one being too emotional and exaggerating about it.  i lost her ribbon. or to put it right, it wasn't me who lost it but my psycho classmate Toni. grrr. the pig-shit! just thinking bout him made me mutter curses under my mouth. i called him so that he would explain that i have nothing to do with it and it's totally his mad doing. but the numb-head is out of reach. hence i receive all my sister's dreadful wrath. she cried and cursed me. yeah, she cursed. she's really good at it. i may say that that is her forte.

my brother while listening to our bickering is too excited to tell it to mom. he really likes it when i am scolded. no wonder he's too happy this morning. oh well, i guess i just have to get myself backed up. it's inevitable anyway. and it wouldn't last long. since i'll be going home late. : p

i expect this day to be a lot boring. i know it is because i'm planning my schedule for the whole day and it sucks. i hate planning. well i'm not good at it. besides things that i plan rarely fall into place. so most of the time i just leave things and try to do my best in my chores. anyway, yeah, i planned the whole day. aaahhh. duh. forget it. stop thinking about it. leave this day to the hands of the good fate. come what may. whatever will be will be. (^^.))

late entry

here i am, sitting at the benches along this narrow aisle. waiting for my friends to come out.
(my teacher passed by when i wrote this. eeeeee! i haven't greeted him! huhuhu! stupid!)
they are having this really boring class in physiology and their teacher hasn't released them yet. oh well. i guess i have to wait longer. (after a short while.) weee! finally! dismissed! hehehe.

dialogue with friends:

me: tagal niyo noh?
friend: pinagalitan kami
me: actually kami din
friend: ganyan talaga siguro pag malapit na finals
me: umiinit ulo ng mga teachers. tsk... last-school-term syndrome

i'm too high, i wanna fly.
i'm too high, you can't reach me.
i'll see to it.
 you won't reach me.
stretch those arms.
even farther than before.
use your reserved charms.
praise me. adore.


****

hey blog. i haven't done most of my tasks today.i feel like i haven't accomplished the thing i should have done today. it's like, something is missing and there's no way i can make it complete, as of the moment. there are lot of stuffs i should attend to. yet i'm too high with my drugs and i feel like too fly to be worried of anything not him.

day with my teachers

my teacher/intellectual crush and i wore the same color of shirt. white. :)
just this morning i was thinking what shirt should i wear and i said, i want it white because it represents sincerity. :) my lovely horror!! he's wearing white too. hehehhehe. if you're a girl you already know what i'm thinking. hehhehe. (*kilig) this is the collective unconscious on the move. connecting me to him. weeee! wishing. free wishing... (^^.)/ 
***
my teacher in history got angry in our class. after giving us some tongue-lashings she walked out. busted. tsk. my seatmate told me that our teacher is growing his wisdom tooth. . . hmmm. lesson learned, always ask if your teacher is experiencing discomforts before having the class, that might trigger her irritation and anger if you do one false move....like giggling and she's not happy about it. whew. 


3:36 pm, Kubo

hey, (i am always confused as to whom should i address my entries. duh. much concern with the trifles.)
well anyway, hey blog, i'm all by myself today. all of my classmates are attending there classes and so i'm left. but i don't mind really, at least i can have a piece of solitude everyday. 

i feel restless and i know why. for many reasons i can't seem to focus my mind, collect my thoughts and place it on harmony. a lot of personal and academic concerns are bothering me right now, and i don't know where should i start. well, i believe i'm starting now through writing it all down. :) 

just this morning i was stricken by tidal waves of emotions. i nearly drown myself. i tried to calm every nerves of my system, and was partially successful. now i'm okay, i guess. 

here goes my eye balls again, seeking for someone i want to forget. 

i so want to talk about what happen to me this morning. write the details of my tangled emotions. but i think the place is too uncomfortable. :p

anyway, we'll have a quiz tonight in history. i reviewed my notes already but still not confident. 

i am worried about my tuition. though it's my parents who should be worrying right now. i'm still affected anyhow. haist, i'll just try to shoo this off my mind. it will just drain my psychic energy. 

my hands are trembling and restless. it feels like an energy so strong is suppressed within me and it wants to escape out. i badly need an outlet. someone to punch or to shout or to talk to. i don't know. i just want this energy out of my system and drain myself. until i can give no more. then maybe i can sleep after. 



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

bring me to the hospital

do you know what it feels like waking up in the morning with a very big smile in your face, heart jumping like it's gonna run an Olympic race, you're so restless you want to bang your head on the wall, your hands are trembling and you know you don't have caffeine intake for the past days, your tear glands are so active and you wanna cry but you don't want to cause it'll make you look stupid (though you know you are)??

yes. exactly. very well said. yet not precisely described what i felt this morning.

do you know how it feels like you know the cause of all these phenomenon happening in your system and you don't know what to do about it?!... it sucks!

you're listening to some song in your playlist to calm your self, relax your senses yet it triggers your excitement. you try to go along with the song to ease the excitement yet it so frustrating cause you're not familiar with lyrics. and so you just listen and the lyrics prick you like tiny needles, making your stomach churn. you don't know what to do with the food in front of you cause even if you're hungry you suddenly lost your appetite. you want to be disturbed so that the intruder will somehow bring you back to your senses, but at the same time want to savor the moment. you try to rationalize the phenomenon. you overthink. make your brain work 10 times it's usual rapidity. you can't stay focused. you're MAD.

like capital M-A-D.

i'm mad

as of the moment
i want to shout,
                       at you
i want to run,
                       to you.
i want cry,
                       my heart out.
i want to sing,
                       my emotion's lyrics.
i want to dance,
                       with you.
i want to fly,
                       in the heavens that's where you are.
i want to glow,
                       inside your heart.
i want to drive,
                       my self in your road.
i want write,
                       our story.
i want to tell,
                       you everything.
i want ... to tell...

              to feel.

and this is the wanting of the moment. but this is more than want...and dreaming. this more than what my heart can handle. more than my mind can comprehend. more than what my senses can feel. more than i imagine.

random thoughts

today. i'm sitting in one of the kiosks at the gazebo here in our campus. i really don't like this place, but not that i hate it. i just feel like i'll never have any privacy in this place. it's too public. (duh. gazebo nga di ba??)

holy crap.

this stuff i'm writing. it's not really what i want to write anyway.
it's about this guy several steps away from me sitting in the middle kiosk. well, he's the guy who once bothered my peaceful life in school. after several lines written he left. *pufth*

it's fascinating how i am well known and remembered in school. amazingly, the girl sitting in the opposite sit called me by my name and asked if i could look after her bag while she'll be away to get her stuffs. i replied yes since i'll be staying for the next 30 minutes. she said that she's a friend of a friend of mine. well, distant friend perhaps cause the person she's referring to is not really a very close friend of mine. just a common friend of a friend. mind you, i always run in to people i don't know and they greet me, by my name. not that i never met the person perhaps some distant connections and got acquainted. maybe. i'm good at forgetting. 

it's amazing how i can establish many relationships and can get to connect with people, regardless the age gap, course, gender, personality whatsoever. i am proud to say that a lot of people likes my personality. and that i'm comfortable to be with. i can get close with the dumbest and even groups of school intellectuals, homos to lesbos, from the serious types to the hedonists. 

yet despite the diversity of the people i am with, i never loose grip of my individuality or my self. i can still manage to be me in everything i do in every people i am with. i'm a non-conformist and this is the thing i am truly proud of. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

i borrowed 8 books at the library and i am to read them this weekend. weeee!
i read a lot of books. before i usually update my blog on the books i read. but since we do not have internet connection anymore i stopped posting updates. 
today on the list:
1. Love and Will by Rollo May
2. Kierkegaard by Michael Watts
3. The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Casmus
4.The Metamorphosis and other stories by Franz Kafka
5. The Trial by Franz Kafka
6. Psyche and Symbols by C.G Jung
7. Theories of Personality by Gregory and Jess Feist
8. A Room for Ones Own by Virginia Woolf

great weekend with good books to read. :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

DAY AND NIGHT









lost pages


THE MECHANIC MUSE

From Scroll to Screen

Illustration by Joon Mo Kang
Something very important and very weird is happening to the book right now: It’s shedding its papery corpus and transmigrating into a bodiless digital form, right before our eyes. We’re witnessing the bibliographical equivalent of the rapture. If anything we may be lowballing the weirdness of it all.
The last time a change of this magnitude occurred was circa 1450, when Johannes Gutenberg invented movable type. But if you go back further there’s a more helpful precedent for what’s going on. Starting in the first century A.D., Western readers discarded the scroll in favor of the codex — the bound book as we know it today.
In the classical world, the scroll was the book format of choice and the state of the art in information technology. Essentially it was a long, rolled-up piece of paper or parchment. To read a scroll you gradually unrolled it, exposing a bit of the text at a time; when you were done you had to roll it back up the right way, not unlike that other obsolete medium, the VHS tape. English is still littered with words left over from the scroll age. The first page of a scroll, which listed information about where it was made, was called the “protocol.” The reason books are sometimes called volumes is that the root of “volume” is volvere, to roll: to read a scroll, you revolved it.
Scrolls were the prestige format, used for important works only: sacred texts, legal documents, history, literature. To compile a shopping list or do their algebra, citizens of the ancient world wrote on wax-covered wooden tablets using the pointy end of a stick called a stylus. Tablets were for disposable text — the stylus also had a flat end, which you used to squash and scrape the wax flat when you were done. At some point someone had the very clever idea of stringing a few tablets together in a bundle. Eventually the bundled tablets were replaced with leaves of parchment and thus, probably, was born the codex. But nobody realized what a good idea it was until a very interesting group of people with some very radical ideas adopted it for their own purposes. Nowadays those people are known as Christians, and they used the codex as a way of distributing the Bible.
One reason the early Christians liked the codex was that it helped differentiate them from the Jews, who kept (and still keep) their sacred text in the form of a scroll. But some very alert early Christian must also have recognized that the codex was a powerful form of information technology — compact, highly portable and easily concealable. It was also cheap — you could write on both sides of the pages, which saved paper — and it could hold more words than a scroll. The Bible was a long book.
The codex also came with a fringe benefit: It created a very different reading experience. With a codex, for the first time, you could jump to any point in a text instantly, nonlinearly. You could flip back and forth between two pages and even study them both at once. You could cross-check passages and compare them and bookmark them. You could skim if you were bored, and jump back to reread your favorite parts. It was the paper equivalent of random-access memory, and it must have been almost supernaturally empowering. With a scroll you could only trudge through texts the long way, linearly. (Some ancients found temporary fixes for this bug — Suetonius apparently suggested that Julius Caesar created a proto-notebook by stacking sheets of papyrus one on top of another.)
Over the next few centuries the codex rendered the scroll all but obsolete. In his “Confessions,” which dates from the end of the fourth century, St. Augustine famously hears a voice telling him to “pick up and read.” He interprets this as a command from God to pick up the Bible, open it at random and read the first passage he sees. He does so, the scales fall from his eyes and he becomes a Christian. Then he bookmarks the page. You could never do that with a scroll.
Right now we’re avidly road-testing a new format for the book, just as the early Christians did. Over the first quarter of this year e-book sales were up 160 percent. Print sales — codex sales — were down 9 percent. Those are big numbers. But unlike last time it’s not a clear-cut case of a superior technology displacing an inferior one. It’s more complex than that. It’s more about trade-offs.
On the one hand, the e-book is far more compact and portable than the codex, almost absurdly so. E-books are also searchable, and they’re green, or greenish anyway (if you want to give yourself nightmares, look up the ecological cost of building a single Kindle). On the other hand the codex requires no batteries, and no electronic display has yet matched the elegance, clarity and cool matte comfort of a printed page.
But so far the great e-book debate has barely touched on the most important feature that the codex introduced: the nonlinear reading that so impressed St. Augustine. If the fable of the scroll and codex has a moral, this is it. We usually associate digital technology with nonlinearity, the forking paths that Web surfers beat through the Internet’s underbrush as they click from link to link. But e-books and nonlinearity don’t turn out to be very compatible. Trying to jump from place to place in a long document like a novel is painfully awkward on an e-reader, like trying to play the piano with numb fingers. You either creep through the book incrementally, page by page, or leap wildly from point to point and search term to search term. It’s no wonder that the rise of e-reading has revived two words for classical-era reading technologies: scroll and tablet. That’s the kind of reading you do in an e-book.
The codex is built for nonlinear reading — not the way a Web surfer does it, aimlessly questing from document to document, but the way a deep reader does it, navigating the network of internal connections that exists within a single rich document like a novel. Indeed, the codex isn’t just another format, it’s the one for which the novel is optimized. The contemporary novel’s dense, layered language took root and grew in the codex, and it demands the kind of navigation that only the codex provides. Imagine trying to negotiate the nested, echoing labyrinth of David Mitchell’s “Cloud Atlas” if it were transcribed onto a scroll. It couldn’t be done.
God knows, there was great literature before there was the codex, and should it pass away, there will be great literature after it. But if we stop reading on paper, we should keep in mind what we’re sacrificing: that nonlinear experience, which is unique to the codex. You don’t get it from any other medium — not movies, or TV, or music or video games. The codex won out over the scroll because it did what good technologies are supposed to do: It gave readers a power they never had before, power over the flow of their own reading experience. And until I hear God personally say to me, “Boot up and read,” I won’t be giving it up.
Lev Grossman is the author of the novels “The Magicians” and “The Magician King.” He is also the book critic at Time magazine.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

let's all be grateful for the conflicts

frictions and conflicts make our lives less absurd. you should thank me for that you know.

Monday, September 12, 2011

about the weather, D building, cancelled examination, and my hair...

September 13, 2011, Tuesday
8:38 am Philippine time

the city is covered with thick clouds. the weather is gloomy and i think this will last for the whole day. i brought my sweater with me. it is too big for me that its length extends to my knees. obviously, it's not mine but father's. i use it because i like wearing oversize shirts and sweaters. it's more comfortable and so i can move my body freely.
it's still raining outside. i would like to have a cup of coffee but i still need to go down. it's too far from where i am now. i'm in the 4th floor of D building. i like hanging out in this place though, so to speak, it is a bit far from my classrooms. this is the oldest building in our school. only few undergraduate classes are conducted here, most are law students. and because they have their classes in the evening, you won't see a lot of students in the morning and in the afternoon. so there are no disturbances, very advantageous for a person like me who likes to read and be with myself most of the time (anti-social register). the classrooms are air-conditioned and a bit dark, just the perfect ambiance for reading, reflecting, writing, etc. the gloomy aura also adds the mysterious effect of the place. it always induces my imaginative juice.
i'm supposed to have my exam today but my professor cancelled it for the nth time. i don't know when will we ever have our midterm exam. or will we even have one? only the teacher knows. my next class is on 4:15, apparently, i have a very long vacant time today. brilliant. i left my books because i thought it would just disturb my reviews. i shouldn't have left it. but it was already too late when i received the frustrating news. i am in school, heading towards the room when they informed me.
anyway, i like my hair today. it's not frizzy and dry. thanks to that shampoo and conditioner i'm using. now i am more comfortable and confident to grow my hair long. i cut it last month because i cannot manage it anymore. it became so unruly and tangled, perhaps it's because of the conditioner i'm using. i observed that it usually results to bad outcomes when the shampoo you use is not appropriate to the conditioner. my hair is an empirical evidence. but since now that i am using the perfect combination (after several trials and errors), my hair became softer and more manageable (can i pass for a hair product endorser?) hehehehe.

..
i'll be posting updates about my day and myself every now and then.

all is well

write about happy positive things and remember this mantra: "all is well."

Sunday, September 11, 2011

HAPPY HAPPY CLAP CLAP!

you're happy and you know it... i'm happy and i know it... CLAP! CLAP!
(trying to make a tune.)

there are a lot of ways to outdo sadness and gloom. like....start it through prayers. then, you'll feel good.
afterwards, think of a person that can paint a smile in your face. you always feel good when you do that. along with that, think of happy memories of you and him.. or if so happens that you don't have one...use your creative and romantic imaginations and make fictions of you enjoying happy moments with that someone. they say, the more you think about it, the greater would be it's chances of happening in real life. i have tried this a lot of times already and i'm not disappointed with the outcome. sometimes, even surprising things happen, things i never expected to happen for real. it comes sweeter and more romantic.





there are reasons to frown but there are a lot of reasons to smile...a lot of people who can make you happy. start it in you. they say he who brings happiness deserves a paradise. then lets make a paradise here on Earth by bringing happiness to everyone.

Monday, September 5, 2011

the current status is: -0

if there is one thing i should hate my self about is my skill to pretend i'm fine when in truth it's otherwise. they say it's a kind of ability i should be thankful of because not all can smile and hurt at the same time. not all can make others laugh when deep inside you have many reasons to gloom and frown. i'm thankful i am but sometimes i feel like all of my hurtful feeling are stuck within me that i just want to shout it all and cry my heart just so to make me feel good... feel better...feel vulnerable and weak and fine.

i wanna cry because i'm jealous and like the jealousy is so unbearable. finally, i mustered all my courage just to write this...jealous. no word can best or less explain what i felt just a while ago.

now what? what if i'm jealous? so what if you really look good together? so what if i we can never be? so what if she has greater chances than me? so what if there's no point denying your chemistry? would that make me less in love? YES! I SHOULD!

so let me make sense of this entry: i am not jealous...i am excruciatingly jealous.

pathetic post.

can we just stop and talk a while?

there are things i wanna do with you like forgetting about that agreement we had before and just go with the flow of the wind... the wind, or is it some invisible gravity that leads me to you, and pull us together. you know what, i hope we could have some time and talk about mundane things with each other like what ordinary couples do. that is if i can consider us "couples"...which i think you'll certainly object..cause we know we're not. well anyway,  yeah, let's talk over a cup of coffee and say things we wanted to say, things we are both suppressing for a long time now, things which your stare and frequent glances want to say but can't actually be conveyed by such gestures, issues we want to resolve, issues that are constantly haunting me or even you.
but taking those silly issues aside...can we just stop and talk a while? wouldn't that be nice? i mean let's experience each other by conversation and whatnot. you know, there are a lot of things can be expressed through words and not just by a kiss. and those are a lot sensible. and by that, we don't know, perhaps we could  finally make sense of this whole affair that we have.
well, there are just two possible outcomes really... that is a dead end or a continuation. by dead end i mean dead, a period, a stop sign, a red light, a no and no more. we let go like nothing happened and just like how we started it...meaningless and fake. hate to say this and i hate my self for being brutally honest and unsure of my feelings. this is not meaningless because if it is then i wouldn't be thinking of you half the day, i wouldn't want us to have that cup of coffee together and get to know each other more. if this is fake, then that kiss, and the feelings i felt at the moment is decisive. but no, i'm trying to convince my self. and partly, i am.
second would be a continuation, a road we will be strolling together. and isn't that...lovely? (*free wishing)

About Me

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once in a while you chance to meet people from the inside universe of their own.