20th

it's only God's love that is constant, unchangeable, forever, unwavering, genuine.

Lord God, thank you for giving me the blessing of reaching this year. ^^. 

happy 20th anniversary to us, Lord, through all this years, you've been my faithful partner. 

praises and glory to Him. 

DUH!

hey it's me blogger,
         God has been so great to me for having me enrolled in this course, for giving me wonderful dedicated companies to be with, for my family, for my gift of knowledge. yet, i think i am not using the most of these gifts. i mean if i am to assess my performance at the end of the grading, i feel i haven't done my best in all. tracing back the past weeks, i remember myself sauntering and procrastinating a lot, specially on those times that i supposed to be doing my homework, or projects, or reading in advance. God, i'm afraid i'm doing the cycle again. motivated at first, then slowly i decline the pace. oh how i hate it to happen, never again, i won't let myself do that.
         the fruits of my procrastination yield me bad grades, that sucks. i should be doing something. let me dig down the core of this. i always sleep late and wake up too early in the morning due to my schedule. i go to school early so that i could still have much longer time for my academics, i also do the same in the afternoon since i have a 5 hours vacant time; time that should be used productively.  it is fashioned in such way so that when i get home, i won't have anything to worry about so as i did everything that should be done in school. but this framework is beginning not to be useful and declining in such a way that i cannot seem to study well anymore. i wake up 5 am, do my task, prepare for school. i reach school at approximately 7:20 am, i should be studying YET instead of doing so, i waste my time surfing the net! imagine, from 7:30-9:30...crap. then the moment i stop i'll just then realize that i never made use of my time efficiently, and the same thing happens in my 1:00- 5:00 pm vacant time. isn't this great?? weeks went by and my stamina is slowly failing me, including my mental vigor. usually i study almost every time i get the chance but now i'm more occupied on dilly-dallying.
         i believe there is something wrong with my schedule and with myself here. i wake up too early i sleep late. i don't have enough rest which results to poor academic performance. see, how can i study well if i'm tired?? and how hypocrite am i to be claiming that i study when in fact i do otherwise! i have been experiencing headache due to unbalance sleeping schedule, hence, i neglect my studies over catching some good rest wherever i can get the chance. this is not good.
          i also believe it's something to do with my motivations, i observed that every time i attempt to laze i always think of "someone" as my stimulus, which i think is not helpful. i mean, "ice" is a good source of motivation but i think i shouldn't just revolve myself around him. i'm not doing what i suppose to do. what a person who has a crush to an intellectual person supposed to do! damn! and it is: doing my best to be more DESERVING FOR MYSELF... you think he will be happy if he happens to know that i have been acting stupid??
          second round of tongue slashing myself; never ever say that he alone should be the one motivating you, cause eventually when things go haywire, specially your over sensitivity; so will be you're academics. don't let that happen. be motivated by YOURSELF, where is your competitive "animalistic" side?? my radar can't sense or locate the perfectionist's instincts. this is not so you... haven't you notice that?? you've been acting mediocre and you hate "mediocre". or do you want me to bitch-slap you?!


DUUUHH!!!!

just the bell curve...

dear blogger,
        do you think i'm making the wrong decision again? when i'll write something in here instead of delving through my books? tell me blog. cause there are things i can't say to myself without me maudlin. but what difference would it make if i'll ask you for that, you don't know what it is, you're not my manipulator. i'm a manipulator of myself and all those claimers, obsess hegemonic bastards. depots implementing their realities on me. crap. perfect crap on a perfect bell curve.
what's the sense of all this emotionalism, nothing really. but just a perfect waste of time, but wasting time is experiencing myself, and experiencing myself means discovering the broad horizons of the bleak continent of myself. but what could be emptier than discovering the emptiness in you? this is so pathetic. crap. hurl me in an empty trash, so that i could claim that i'm the only one empty here.

....
all those shits above stemmed from emotional stability and disability. don't believe, please don't take heed of what i'm saying now.

screening for the publication

dear blogger,

i just had the screening for the school publication cartoonist. indeed, it was a wonderful experience, to be with people who i have same interests with, drawing for the same purpose, aiming for a single goal.
wow, it's been a very long time since the last i draw. it's been months ago already and i'm feeling and enjoying the passion flooding in, coming back. i thought, perhaps, i would fail myself this time cause i wasn't ready or i'm shading myself with notions and negative ideas. i might fail or not able to draw anything because i forgot how to draw. but no, when i got there, and when i see those of my contestants starting to draw... i begun as well. though with trembling hands. i tried to muster every confidence and talent and skills left to procure something out. and i believe i haven't failed myself... and God... and those who trust me. however, because i didn't take my lunch, things became a bit encumbered. my stomach is growling, sending chills to my hands. they're trembling, can't hardly move them well. i got so frustrated at the beginning cause i can't seem to focus myself on what i'm doing. but i pulled it through... i believe i did. though it's been tough.

this experience is a pure advantage on me, though there is a possibility i wouldn't make it for the publication. well, i pray not. the experience brought back my passion, my vigor, and gave me reason to develop myself more. i realized that i must humble myself, because there is a lot more to learn, and i'm just starting. that the state of my skills now is so little. i learned to prepare myself always. i admit i went there not even sure of myself. i didn't took effort to bring appropriate drawing materials. i know i dilly-dallied this one, but i know for myself that i really want the position. i've been so doubtful that loose focus and didn't brought the right tools. i would've done much better than that. so i'm not putting the blame to anyone, except to myself. and though it's hard, i admit, a git reasons why i wasn't so prepared. i might say i had even lost my interest even before it started. but this is all because i thought i forgot how to draw. but no.... i may say that all had been well and good. moreover, basing from the juror's smile, i believe i gain his approval. and i'm happy with that.

thank God, he never left me. and all the while He has been there for me.

the chocolate coated week... (love is surprisingly in the classroom!)

hey blogger,

i'm dreadfully tired but i still don't want to go home. i want to write something here. i need to write something to cool down my temper. 

(i believe that laptops should be placed on your lap, so that's what i'm doing now. perhaps i don't feel so intimate with my lappy if i won't do so. another, i want to feel at home. :) and comfortable. )

i can say that a lot of things happened since the beginning of the semester. i unfold innate characters that i can't believe i actually possess and good to say that many of which are positive once. like punctuality. i'm proud that i'm doing good on my academics now. it's because of the overwhelming inspirations and motivations around me. they really helped a lot. and just talking bout my inspiration, he's my intellectual crush, my platonic love(?). :) well i don't want to label it as "love" yet, but i guess there won't be no offense in doing so. hehe. 

what i'm trying to say is that... i love my days here in the university. embellished with wonderful happenings and learning. it's like everything is unfolding gradually, and i'm savoring each moment. though tough times are inevitable they are something i can handle. now i can pull through things without worrying much because my confidence is properly aligned on where it should be of my much use. i mean, i am more confident to ask and admit if i don't really know or can't understand the lessons. the thing i refrain myself from doing before because i'm too proud of myself and claim that i very much capable of learning independently. also, i use my reading instincts on the right situations and books. before, i could finish books on one sitting though it's not really part of my academics. not that i totally deprive myself  from reading novels and other books impractically not related to my course syllabus, not that i discourage contextualization, but now i'm rather more rational and clear thinking on what to read first and on what books i could use as sorts of rewards. and just thinking about books, it's really helpful to read in advance. now, i'm not worrying much because I've already read my lessons. now i can make use of my time on reviews and on some articles to be read. i can't feel much pressure at all because i'm using my time efficiently. great thing about advance reading.

        

as much as i want to write something about my intellectual crush, i guess i can't do it now. and the reason? .. i don't know where to start with. that's how immensely interesting he is. everyday is another part of him i gradually discover, everyday i'm liking him, and loving the idea... the thought...of him and me. hahaha! BINGO! at last i have finally admit it to myself. i always deny this feeling, like i'm pretending that this is just mere infatuation and hence not to be taken seriously. but darn it, darn myself, this is something i can't and must not deny anymore... he won't love that, i won't love that. 

tomorrow's Saturday, and i have much to do. i pray for peaceful and happy weekend for me, my family, my friends, and to my intellectual crush. anyway, don't you think "intellectual crush" is too long for a pseudo-name? ...i know, let's address him as "ICE" which stands for Intellectual Crush E______. his name starts in letter E. 

goodbye for now. writing soooooooooon. haha! blissful weekend everyone! \{^.^}/

hey, i found you!

accidentally bumped on this picture while looking for images of Plato and Socrates