i like myself blunt

We all have our own insecurities, it's just that yours are more obvious. ;')

Halik... (an old poem.)

Takip-silim
Ng aking tag-init.
Tag-init na lumililim
Sa tag-lamig.
Tag-lamig ng gunita.
Gunita ng init.
Init na naglalakbay
Sa diwa.
Diwa ng aking
Mga panaginip.
Panaginip sa araw
At gabi.
Gabi sa umagang
Wala ka sa tabi.
Tabi ko ang ala-ala
Ng iyong labi.
Labi na dasal
Ng mga panalangin.
Panalangin sa maykapal
Na maangkin.
Maangkin at
Mapagsaluhan natin.

it all started in curiosity and the rest is what i am now. ;')

it all started in curiosity and the rest is what i am now. ;') 

just when did i start to draw? way back my toddler days i was always been frustrated with myself because every time i attempt to make a house i just end up scratching my paper. when i start to draw the roof i don't know what the next step is and so I'll just scribble aimlessly in my paper. i waste a pad of paper a day just by scribbling. at first, knowing nothing about art has no big deal to me. yet i like holding my pencil and doodling in my paper and that's it. when i graduated in kinder and was eventually transferred in a new school. i had to deal with a lot of kids and i mean bigger kids. so i shortly forgot drawing and focused on my studies.

i still remember that one event way back my grade 2 days that i believe entirely changed my life. (*char)

it was one morning just before my English class begins when a certain classmate of mine bragged his art portfolio to me. it was filled with Pokemon and some Disney characters like Winnie the pooh. i was awed with his drawing that i attempted to draw a pooh head and stupidly compared my work with his. he and my classmates laughed at me and my drawing that in the evening i draw and draw and draw. I PROMISED MYSELF TO BE BETTER THAN HIM! at first it was just my ambition to draw better than him and so i practiced a lot. i could still remember that the first ever piece i proudly drew was a dogwood flower i saw in our encyclopedia. from then on i practiced drawing every flower and bird in the encyclopedia. 

i draw almost every where, in the wall, in my notebooks, pads of paper, in every blank space that i can draw with. i was not contended with myself, every day i aim to be better and better that it became an addiction. i can't seem to stop. it's like a state of trance, i always feel best when i draw. i feel alone with my world and it feels so great. specially when people get to recognize or love your work. 

i compared the transition and differences of my works and styles as years passed. and i believed that i could still be better. i want to explore new horizons and know more about art. i don't want to end myself in drawing. there are still a lot of rooms for improvements and genres and hitherto art forms that are yet to be discovered

and that's what i love. 

and again it all starts in curiosity....

i like myself idle. hehehe

    Will blogging all my exhaustion this day will make me less exhausted? 

lets see. 

HCFOSAJFCIEVCOET,VCKFGVNHGCAJFX,UR[WRKS,KWCJRPCJETfejncrheceynunuUNUEAIMEPXTUNVCRECNECNKDUROEUNCEOUTNVUE'AU

nah. it would just worsen my mood. remembering all that happened the rest of my day will tire me

out. why not just shift out my thoughts to something else... something that would lighten my mood. :)

***

i like myself simple and lazy. maybe that are the two reasons why i don't really join groups and organizations.  i can't put myself to be responsible and committed because then again: i am too idle for it. hell, i can't even wake myself on time, i wash my laundries just when I'm compelled to finally check my closet and find almost nothing to wear that i wash few of my clothes, i often forget my stuffs and the things i should do even if i write them down on my reminder notebooks or mobile calendar, and a lot more things that will justify my indolence.

therefore, if even the smallest tasks are hard to do, what more of those bigger things in an official group??

i know myself, so when i started joining this certain group, i told myself: quit it, fool. hahahah! i simply can't imagine myself being so active in an activist group. i mean, I'm one of the first people who mock these big-mouthed, eardrums-shattering street crier government haters! and so being one of them will make me... a mocker of myself! wouldn't that be so stupid? I'm actually talking the talk yet walking the other way. i can't and won't stand this hypocrisy long, so i better drop this stage drama as soon as possible.. like now. hehehe.

bye guys, it was an experience being with you and joining your movements the past days. but i can't go on shouting all your slogans half-assed. it would be an insult not only to myself but to you people, to you who have been so passionate and sincere with your objectives and agendas. i can't rotten a basket of healthy apples so i better roll out.

I'm grateful and proud that even in a short moment i experienced how it takes to be a devoted nationalist. all those rallying, street painting, room-to-room campaigns, meetings, discussions, props making, etc. where would i experience these things, only with you people. isn't it? 

i learned a lot from this. and i will forever cherish and materialize the important things i learned from this experience.

sketches

 these are some of my sketches.

LET'S BLAME THIS TO THE GUY-WHO-WAS-NAMED-AFTER-A-DOG-BREED.

dear you,

     there's nothing so special about you today except for occasional skin to skin contacts, eye to eye contacts and small talks. (and together) : LET'S BLAME THIS TO THE GUY-WHO-WAS-NAMED-AFTER-A-DOG-BREED.

yeah, he sat right beside me in our class. grrr. the nerve. don't he know that i reserved that empty sit for you? for you?! yet you haven't grab the chance to sit beside me. haist. 

let's make a list of possible reasons why you don't offer yourself a sit on that empty chair next to me:

a. you're too shy to ask.

b. you're not comfortable sitting on that chair or sitting next to me.

c. it's further from the white board.

d. you can't concentrate... because of me? because of the idea that I'm sitting next to you makes you cold.

e. you feel queasy.

f. you're giving the guy next to you the chance. 

g. you're a loner.

MR. SOCIOLOGIST

dear mr. sociologist

    i would like to start this note by remembering what you said a while ago in our class:

"alam mo, ang ganda ng buhok mo."    (* i don't want to think that you like my hair because you want it yourself...no! just where did i got this notion?? this is what i get from having too many gay friends. hehe.)

though i made the most inappropriate reply of all! i mean it's the most stupid thing to say after you just complimented my hair. haist. .. i said: "really? feeling ko nga buhaghag eh."

grrrr. damn it! if i could just bring back the time and edit my answer! i would've said: "thank you."

just what the hell happened to me at that moment?? i'm sure i formulated at least four answers to that compliment in split seconds! (*that's how fast my brain works when it comes to you.)

but of all the choices... why did i said the one that was not even on the list!!! grrr! now my theory is proven: i really act/talk against my will... and i hate it.

well, let's move on because i don't want to write a note about crying over spilled milk.

you made my day. one indisputable fact. everything might turned out great minus that nosy guy Dutch. i wish he would just leave us alone in perfect bliss during math period.  i mean he really like interfering us. i mean no offense to Dutch, i know he's just being friendly but please...please... math period is the only subject when i could see you and talk to you freely. SPARE US OUR MOMENT DUTCH!

anyway, mr. sociologist. thank you for checking my fever and wishing me to get well soon because i think i am now. thanks to you and to your healing hands. (*well, let me just brag that he touched my neck and checked if i really have a fever. eeeee!)

let me tell you that i miss you. i know it must be too much to say this but really. even though we get to know and close with each other in just a very short and vivid while. you made a mark already.

mr. sociologist, i wish for those times again. when we just be in our world like it's the only two of us. when you see me through and talk to me like i am the only girl you know. like we've been together for a long time already.  that time, i even thought you know me more than i know myself. specially when you said that how sad my eyes were. that maybe there are some reasons behind that made them look that way. haist.

no nosy Dutch. No noisy classmates. no math. i wish we could be with each other again.

i just miss you. that's all. i wish to know you more. i wish there would be no inner and outer hindrances the next time. how i wish that next time would be real soon. <3

MR. SOCIOLOGIST

he's so manly and romantic.
he knows that he doesn't know everything yet he always have an intelligent opinion on things.
he loves literature and is now trying to make prose.
he's a talented musician. he's a deep thinker.
he encourages me to do what i love though it means being apart from each other.
he never holds me back because he knows that i love what I'm doing.
he's willing to learn new things though i know he's doing so just to please me. he always make me feel that what he's doing is interesting and i could see the sincerity in it.
he thinks that arts and books are not boring. it's like saying that i'm not a boring company.
he's humble though there are a lot of things he could be proud of himself.
he loves talking with me and never gets intimidated.
he respects my opinion and perspectives.
he takes things slow though he has all the advantages.
he never pushes me to the edge.
he likes to read my poetry.
he finds me interesting.
he's honest.
he knows when to stay and when to leave.
he's a man who can stand his opinion and will and word.
he knows how to prioritize things. though it means being not with me.
he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world.
he's a great listener and conversationalist.
he see what others cannot see.
he perceives me what others cannot.
he can see my soul.
he's not afraid to take his course though it meant the mistrust of his family.

i can be myself when he's around.
i feel comfortable with him.
i don't hold back my opinion because he respects it.
i feel so special.
i feel more proud of myself.
i could be crazy.

just thinking of you made me write this one. and i still got a lot of things to say but maybe i just leave them unwritten for a while.