good morning sun, though i haven't seen you rise this morning cause i was sprawling on my bed while watching the ceiling and thinking about first, (what i did i thought first anyway, i can barely remember it) my burden in my heart. yes, it is becoming such a burden to me now that i do not really open myself up. so unusual, so not me isn't it? but i do not want to be a confrontative and assertive to them now. as what i have said and what i alwasy try to achieve, there should be a proper and perfect timing for everything. i know i am always thinking about it, the timing. i plan things on my head many days before i would actually do my performance, but the thing is, even if things were meticupoiusly planne, script already memorized by heart, i cannot seem to perform it well when i am in the actual stage already. i all of my plans suddenly blows away because i still have that impulsive and compulsive nature in me, that is ruining everything. hate it sometimes though. that is why i hate planning and trying to set things as how it should be and must be.
and if you are confused as to what i am planning, since i haven't presented in the introduction because i was busy defending myself first, well, anyway, it is about my plan with regards to talking and confronting someone. because i think if i won't talk things over, it will be very dofficult for me most specially because i always think a lot and i crowd my mind with these guilty thoughts on my head. in which, i know myself, the more i think the more i convince myself to be guuilty of a crime i have never done. yes, that's me. and that is what i get from overthing even the most mundane of thoughts or events, or people whatsoever. i do wish i have the power the turn this mind off sometimes, cause i just want to be at peace and totally forget things that are supposed to not bother me but since i am such a bitch to myself and that is why thoughts and constantly thinking keeps on bothering my mind.
i want to clear myself out, i have this strong urge to clear my name though i really haven't done anything very mean or very wrong that is worth a lifetime imprisonment or lethal injection. i just feel like asking for an apology. becasue i think, despite me reasoning my out of this mess, i know i did something mean. i cannot point that out yet, but perhaps when i will realize my faults already (which is very rare.) i know i myself will sway off the dark clouds on my mind. and things will be fine, i am hopeful, i am always hopeful deep inside, despite my constant pessimism.
i just hope that when i talk things over already, the people i amadressing to will open their close minds and comprehend me, not miscontrued me because of my past faults, if i have done some to them. all along i am thinking, how mean am i. these are good people surrounding me and yet look what i am doing, shoving them away from me. however, i believe that there is a good reason for everything, i am convinced of that, of my own logical reasoning. perhaps i am dwelling more upon the guilty thought of actually isolating myself from them, of the facade rather than the back of it. that is why, perhaps i really do think myself somehow of having the fault. but well, if i am going to dissect it, disintegrate and analyze the sets of evets and actions made...well, i am rightful to be acquited, somehow i am. that is why, i will take efforts of clearing myself from an offence that shouldn't be construeded as an offence, not at all.
did i asked myself what would i feel after this? perhaps, i will be relieved at last from the burden of understanding immaturity and the ways of the immature persons.
buut let me write something about my current feelings now, i do feel down and neglected, and misunderstood and scorned at...and let me say a bit lonely. for a lot of reasons i guess: family, a friend who left for a job in a very distant place, anxiety, my current situation with my coworkers at the school i am currently working. but i guess, the reason that really distracts me most is the last one, because i can see these people everyday, and it really saddens me to see them close and painfully far from me. i mean they are really good people, why cannot i see it now? or is it my fault all along? they, making this distance? i don't know, that is why i would like to ask them. they really good to me, esepecially that guy, though he has also his faults. or so i just thought he is all this good kind person. am i right when i see him the saintly? am i not wrong or insufficient at some point when i said that? am i mistaken? i don't know. perhaps, he really is a good person. well he has done something good to me many times, and i want to emphasize and dwell on those. but why am i so duboius now of his motives, now that i am currently not in good tides with him. is it because this person wants something from me, and that is why he showed me all those good deeds? why am i such a cynical person. because it is! i really trust my reasoning, but on the other hand i shouldn't judge a person arbitrarily, i know that, i should have evidences to prove my claims, to streghthen my theory.i need facts that will substantiate my ideas. for now i don not know how will i squeeze that out from them, i need planning, thought in planning i am not good, though sometimes it is futile to plan things detail by detail for i know i t won't work out, as it should be and will be.
i really have to write to calm myself, to ease the burden. i need an outlet.
