about internal traffics, and fixing gutters

inspiration comes rare in a lazy afternoon, comes rare to a person who all did was laze around and staer at the ceiling contemplating about the whole universe. however, as  a defence, hey there is alwasy something intellectual in idling. perhaps, because it is in idling that you sometimes bump on something interesting and discover things you never expected to know. like an affirmation of love, or like loving someone you just affirmed in your head. or discovering the law of gravtiy or motion and whatnots. well enough, i wouls say this is the productive kind of procrastination, ideas juggling in your head trying to find their place in your almost crowded lane of thoughts, always in traffic, bumper to bumper, not keeping distances, all wants to be the first to notice. to b free from the subconscipous and be written in a piece of paper or be put into something out of the head. tobe realized and substantialized and concretized. but, i cannot do them all at once. that is why my ideas needs proper sorting and flow of the traffic should be ameliorated so that there would be smooth flow of thoughts. when will i accomplish this? i don't know or maybe after i fix the gutters and some broken lanes in my mind.

and speaking of cleaning gutters and fixing broken lanes, i noticed for it is noticable and the politcians' real purpose is to be noticed for it is near election already. of course, they want to impress us; or could also be, they want to impress something in our heads: "hey, this road has been made possible through the initiative of Cong. ________, mayor _______, or councilor ____________," . just the hell of it. it is not supposed to be an initiative, it is a direct responsibility for them to make these actions. or perhaps they just want to magnify there projects by adding INITIATIVE so that people will think, oh this person is a genius, he initiate the cleaning of the gutters and the lanes, so on and so forth and i feel like vomiting by all their shits. and so politicians make all these "pakulo" just to appear conspicous in the eyes of the people, to appear like they are really doing something... near the end of their terms! huh! fools. think we don't know these stuffs? i don't know how should i convince myself not to be cynical towards politicians, or should i even take some efforts to convince myself, nah, they are all the same. they are all the same to me. i don't know from the majority if they also think this way, because i think it is the otherwise.

anyway, i am not supposed to write something about this. but well, this is how my mind goes, it goes somewhere i never planned it to go. :) i partially forgot why i should be writing now. and honsetly, i totally cannot bring back the feelings and inspiration i had earlier, no matter how much i try to be in it again. oh well, perhaps it will visit me tonight before i sleep. so that i could write something for him.

dry river

i am writing in empty words again. pretensions and stage acts cannot fill in the hollowness within. it is like writing on sand, leaving no tracks as soon as the waves reach the shore. ephemeral, momentary, short-living, fleeting, insignificant now and forever be forgotten in oblivion. i am dying to write for someone for i have been writing for myself most of the time. (this one has nothing to do with this entry.)

i feel like deserted by ideas, not expressions, by soul, not words.

have i forgotten how to write? no.
i just ran out of reason.

random thoughts

behind those soft brown eyes are yearnings you hide: "i should have fucked you while i can." 

in love with his writings

i am in love, and maybe forever will be, with your writings. <3 i wish you could write something for me, someday. who ever that girl you dedicate your writings to, she's the luckiest. unfortunately she doesn't know she is.

still home

STILL YOUR HOME


far away you may go,
to distant islands you know
meet people, count the miles
be happy and forget the time
only one thing i want you to know,
when you come back
i'm still your home.

darling, as the clock ticks
and your heart beats fast
for the things you yearn,
trust that my love will last
even if it's not your concern.
you might be with strangers
and go to strange places,
but when you come back
feel the familiar love you have known,
i'm still your home.

chorus:

waiting, i'll be waiting
with my face on the window
hoping for your coming
a flower i held
in my hands,
like i held trust
in my heart.

_________________________

i wrote this while thinking of you. i hope someone will lay a good tune on it.

me and my God

my God.
my strength.
my wisdom.
my thoughts.
the air i breath,
the life i live,
this is all Yours.

my God.
my courage.
my shield.
my voice.
i praise you,
with all my art
my talent, my gifts
that you blessed me.
they are all Yours,
i am Yours and You
are mine.

my God.
my spirit.
my heart rejoices,
singing hymns
for all the grace,
the trials i face,
You and You alone
stood by me.

Amen.


Lord, my God, in the silence of the night, my soul is aching. and nothing is felt by the heart that is barren and dry with loneliness and anxiety, with nonsense worries and fears, with scorn and envy, with pride and guilt. Lord, i have forgotten our promise, the promise of the faithful, the spoken and not spoken. i have forgotten, or, perhaps, i fell upon the hands of deep rebellion and there i was strangled by my own wrong reasonings and selfish pride. Lord, this times i have forgotten to thank you and ask for forgiveness, i have forgotten that You have never forgotten me. even at times when i am alone and thinking and worrying about uncertainty, i am mostly not me, for i am not with You, cause i am not thinking with You. that there is You, and i need not to worry for You will be with me, whatever it is that i face. You God is my strength and my courage, and to whom should i put my trust, only to You, through me, and through the people around me.
everyday is a manefestation of your love for me, and when i wake up, i know i love You and You love me. i know, living my life happily, as you wish, will be the only thing you want me to do. my happiness is my gift to You. and look how amazing You are my Lord, it is not like repaying for your kindness, but it is a favor for me. all You ask is for me to live the life You wanted me to have, a happy and contented life. then why am i not doing this? why am i hiding behind the shadow of insecurity and pride? this is not Your will. these things won't make me happier. then why am i doing this?
in my pursuit to find my place, in my forcing to uncover the mysteries, in my placing mself above everyone, i have forgotten and lost track of what i really want...genuine happiness, the thing You want me to have, my one and only gift i can give You. i am lost. am i not? i want to be with You my God. and i know you always stays in my heart. till the end of time. till i not think of time anymore. You are always be there for me. and You never forget to remind me of that, to make me feel Your presence.

i love You, and thank You. Amen.

and i slept

from a distance, i can hear a mother
singing a lullaby, can you stay that way
and sing for me for a little while.
i am but a stranger wandering the night
bless my soul with your balming voice.
pour on me your kindness
and let me sleep upon your feet,
just for the night. just for the night.

i walk slowly, nearer you
let me have a closer look of your calm face
let your song give miracle to my weary soul
that it might be healed, and renewed,
and then i can go on with my long journey.
for i am a stranger and tired.
let me hear you sing please,
i'll be sitting upon your feet and rest my
labored body, just for the night, just for the night.

now i'm sitting upon your feet,
and you motioned me on your lap,
how kind of you, but you don't know me,
"you are my child" you said, "you were lost for a while
and now you are back, i have been with you,
i have never left you, i am just waiting for you.
come and i'll sing you the song i used to sing
when you sleep."
"just for the night?" i said.
"tonight, and the nights to come." you said smiling.


i have slept.