alone and missing

my heart listens to a sad whistle
from a stranger beneath an autumn tree
leaving reds and browns
i am counting the days
happiness
cannot seem to give me a sound.
tears glistens on dry lands
you are far my dear,
remind me no more of the distance.

why?

Why are you showing me your wounds?
you think i have the remedy?

why are you telling me your weaknesses?
i can't make you strong, i won't be generous enough
to give you my strength.

why are you showing your tears?
if i can't make them feel on my cheeks.

why are you staying lonely?
if it won't make you any better.

why are you singing the same song?
there's more i the playlist.

why are you looking at me?
if i show you no mercy.

why do you you want to be heard?
if you know i am deaf.

why am i saying these?
you're not even listening.

focus

everything this summer onward will be a lot different, different in a sense that i am stepping on a very difficult path that requires maturity and ironed will to brace myself from the dangers of mental fatigues, stress bombs, pressures that might possibly damage a weak mental system. expecting to be grilled but not disheveled, expecting to be stormed but still trying to hold on to the ground, resilience through extreme and unwanted changes, these might all come to me hard and unexpected.... but this will be the life i will lead for the years to come. i am deciding for myself now, but i am not doing it alone. of course my parents should have knowledge of my decisions. however, i would not let them keep me from doing what i think i can, just because they think i cannot. and that is why through smooth and intelligible persuasion, i know i'll gain their approval and allow me to take my own course.

this is all so new to me. work and studies together... though i know how far i can get, how tough i can go, how long i can sustain. i know myself more than anyone else, i know that i can do it, because i can. and when i think i can, this serves as impetus in times i might be losing focus and hope. this is all too difficult, but i know myself, the more things get harder by day, the greater is my motivation to achieve more. 

FOCUS

3rd of january 2012

 i am again feeling down with all these shits that's happening. i don't know if i have to vomit this out, literally. cause there is a somewhat thick lump that's blocking the passage of my airways, it's like mental asphyxia or something. i just feel choked that's all. i want someone to talk to but i have no phone to call someone and i think there's no one person within my sphere whom i can really talk to and let out all these negative vibes in my clutters. so as usual, and as i always do in times of magnified despair..... i'm just gonna blog these all down.
today is Friday. last day of the weekdays. suppose to be a lovely day for me but something happened within my system that i can't even curve a smile to a friend. Over thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking of or concerned about. okay let me get this straight. i'm just kinda pissed off to myself lately on all these procrastination and daydreaming sessions. i can't even focus myself on setting a single goal of a day. i just feel so useless and worthless and weak and isolated and damn! shit! the fuck i'm doing with myself. am i the same me before? i seemed to be the most dumb student in her class. going to school not ready is not part of my system anymore, that's what i thought. but where am i leading myself again? nowhere.

another thing, a news struck me this morning. i shouldn't asked her about it. it hell ruined my day, sure it did. i found out that Sir B thinks that i'm just seeing him as a "father figure"! now that made all these confusions and mixed emotions. overt thinking, stop it. won't make things any better for me. i make things complicated, am i having fun with this? NO.

so what? so what if he thinks that way. that wouldn't change my feelings.that wouldn't hold me back. no one can understand me any better than myself. sometime i will trace back my childhood and find out clues on my behavioral problems now. but you know, if it's true that all of these physiological, mental, and emotional changes that's going on in my system every time i engage myself in a conversation with him, or when i think of him, or when he comes near....is just a consequence of my unconscious desire for a father figure. i would be doomed for a single-with-a-child life. but  i also have a lot of fears when that happens. i won't let my child to have the same cycle of searching for a father figure. whom should i blame then? my father or brother who never let me feel or experience the joy of being a daughter or a sister?

father figure or whatsoever you want to call it Sir B. you might be the best clinical psychologist but you don't know exactly what i feel so who are you to judge me and say those things. and stop labeling this feelings with names you learned in books, cause there is no test that can adequately capture this construct.

cold as shit

hey  i'm cold. too cold i can't even embrace myself for the fear of freezing. (too much) . too cold i can't fathom the coldness. can't spell that word on my mouth cause i'm shivering, shivering hard. shivering my hell out. wanna scream this out but i can't. cannot hold it inside my system. i'll die freezing just watching myself in front of the mirror.

when sharing becomes a hobby, everybody will be happy

i want to draw.
today.
tomorrow.
the next days to come
forever.
hmmm.
isn't that a great plan? but that's not the only thing i am gonna do. hahaha! what a life! i have a lot of reasons to live! why waste it with hopeless disillusionment??
so i will content myself and fill my heart with joy as i make you laugh and smile. since it is all i can do for you. and it is all i want to do really. make the people around me believe in the beauty of life. and what else can i do? i am not rich with all the material things in the world. but i am rich with happiness i can barely hold it with my tiny hands. so why not share it??
people all over the world search through things they thought that could truly make them happy. yes, we buy things and it makes us happy. when i bought my sister that pair of shoes last Christmas, i believe i'd made her happy. but that shoes is but a symbol of my love for her. we are but mere human beings and we always want a channel to express ourselves to other people. to make immortal our love for them. we need a reminder, a certain token that when every time they see it or see something associated with it, they remember that person who ones gave him/her a gift. and the memory of that person will continue to live. people wants to be remembered by all means.
but you see, we should always remember that beneath that gift and all its grandiloquence or simplicity is a feeling they want to share, a message they want to convey and a memory that they hope will last forever. 

happy post!

good morning. ( i am about to ask myself if what is good in my morning....) i am alive and isn't that great? isn't it a miracle to live? breath fresh air. meet people. experience the world like it's the first time. aaaah... what a joy. what a wonderful feeling this is. i am alive and kicking ...under my table cause i am actually sitting. but yes! how lovely it is to experience the warmth of the sunshine though i am inside this air conditioned room. i wish i can get out and feel the sun rays on my skin! and the trees! look at those trees, abundant colors and fruits. those people below chatting, laughing, and goofing around, and merry-making. even those people just sitting by themselves on those benches and, like me, watching the scenery, contemplating on things i don't know of, but who cares? as long as they are breathing as i do. everything around me is pulsating with life! 

today is Tuesday, another chance given to us to celebrate life and all its wonders and miracles. so it would be such a waste to frown or bore the day away. get up and celebrate life through all forms. the forms does not matter when you give praise or you want to express gratefulness. it is the heart and the sincerity that is contagious. spread love. give hope. curve a smile in each and everyone's faces! give a genuine smile to every people you meet, cause you might not know, but that could be the only smile that person had seen for the day! you don't know how precious it is, but a smile can really change other people's mood. 

think of happy things and memories! share love and be loved! 

HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!

oh this blog post makes me wanna go.....OOOOOooohhh!!! AAAAaaaahhh!!! clap! clap! clap! (^o^)/