3rd of january 2012

 i am again feeling down with all these shits that's happening. i don't know if i have to vomit this out, literally. cause there is a somewhat thick lump that's blocking the passage of my airways, it's like mental asphyxia or something. i just feel choked that's all. i want someone to talk to but i have no phone to call someone and i think there's no one person within my sphere whom i can really talk to and let out all these negative vibes in my clutters. so as usual, and as i always do in times of magnified despair..... i'm just gonna blog these all down.
today is Friday. last day of the weekdays. suppose to be a lovely day for me but something happened within my system that i can't even curve a smile to a friend. Over thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking of or concerned about. okay let me get this straight. i'm just kinda pissed off to myself lately on all these procrastination and daydreaming sessions. i can't even focus myself on setting a single goal of a day. i just feel so useless and worthless and weak and isolated and damn! shit! the fuck i'm doing with myself. am i the same me before? i seemed to be the most dumb student in her class. going to school not ready is not part of my system anymore, that's what i thought. but where am i leading myself again? nowhere.

another thing, a news struck me this morning. i shouldn't asked her about it. it hell ruined my day, sure it did. i found out that Sir B thinks that i'm just seeing him as a "father figure"! now that made all these confusions and mixed emotions. overt thinking, stop it. won't make things any better for me. i make things complicated, am i having fun with this? NO.

so what? so what if he thinks that way. that wouldn't change my feelings.that wouldn't hold me back. no one can understand me any better than myself. sometime i will trace back my childhood and find out clues on my behavioral problems now. but you know, if it's true that all of these physiological, mental, and emotional changes that's going on in my system every time i engage myself in a conversation with him, or when i think of him, or when he comes near....is just a consequence of my unconscious desire for a father figure. i would be doomed for a single-with-a-child life. but  i also have a lot of fears when that happens. i won't let my child to have the same cycle of searching for a father figure. whom should i blame then? my father or brother who never let me feel or experience the joy of being a daughter or a sister?

father figure or whatsoever you want to call it Sir B. you might be the best clinical psychologist but you don't know exactly what i feel so who are you to judge me and say those things. and stop labeling this feelings with names you learned in books, cause there is no test that can adequately capture this construct.

cold as shit

hey  i'm cold. too cold i can't even embrace myself for the fear of freezing. (too much) . too cold i can't fathom the coldness. can't spell that word on my mouth cause i'm shivering, shivering hard. shivering my hell out. wanna scream this out but i can't. cannot hold it inside my system. i'll die freezing just watching myself in front of the mirror.

when sharing becomes a hobby, everybody will be happy

i want to draw.
today.
tomorrow.
the next days to come
forever.
hmmm.
isn't that a great plan? but that's not the only thing i am gonna do. hahaha! what a life! i have a lot of reasons to live! why waste it with hopeless disillusionment??
so i will content myself and fill my heart with joy as i make you laugh and smile. since it is all i can do for you. and it is all i want to do really. make the people around me believe in the beauty of life. and what else can i do? i am not rich with all the material things in the world. but i am rich with happiness i can barely hold it with my tiny hands. so why not share it??
people all over the world search through things they thought that could truly make them happy. yes, we buy things and it makes us happy. when i bought my sister that pair of shoes last Christmas, i believe i'd made her happy. but that shoes is but a symbol of my love for her. we are but mere human beings and we always want a channel to express ourselves to other people. to make immortal our love for them. we need a reminder, a certain token that when every time they see it or see something associated with it, they remember that person who ones gave him/her a gift. and the memory of that person will continue to live. people wants to be remembered by all means.
but you see, we should always remember that beneath that gift and all its grandiloquence or simplicity is a feeling they want to share, a message they want to convey and a memory that they hope will last forever. 

happy post!

good morning. ( i am about to ask myself if what is good in my morning....) i am alive and isn't that great? isn't it a miracle to live? breath fresh air. meet people. experience the world like it's the first time. aaaah... what a joy. what a wonderful feeling this is. i am alive and kicking ...under my table cause i am actually sitting. but yes! how lovely it is to experience the warmth of the sunshine though i am inside this air conditioned room. i wish i can get out and feel the sun rays on my skin! and the trees! look at those trees, abundant colors and fruits. those people below chatting, laughing, and goofing around, and merry-making. even those people just sitting by themselves on those benches and, like me, watching the scenery, contemplating on things i don't know of, but who cares? as long as they are breathing as i do. everything around me is pulsating with life! 

today is Tuesday, another chance given to us to celebrate life and all its wonders and miracles. so it would be such a waste to frown or bore the day away. get up and celebrate life through all forms. the forms does not matter when you give praise or you want to express gratefulness. it is the heart and the sincerity that is contagious. spread love. give hope. curve a smile in each and everyone's faces! give a genuine smile to every people you meet, cause you might not know, but that could be the only smile that person had seen for the day! you don't know how precious it is, but a smile can really change other people's mood. 

think of happy things and memories! share love and be loved! 

HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!

oh this blog post makes me wanna go.....OOOOOooohhh!!! AAAAaaaahhh!!! clap! clap! clap! (^o^)/  

in words

  you are right there, few steps away from me, explaining things i barely understand. here i am reading the vowels of your lips, always close to your heart, grasping the unfathomable distance. not heaven and earth, nor the metaphors of life and death. 


you are so near and yet so far. 

randomness

downloading his video in my laptop, internet connection empowered by the weakest wifi connection in our school. this sucks.i can't download the video!!!
i'm just gonna frustrate myself. better stop this.

^^^^

i'm in love. let me label that? do i have the guts to say that?
i have seen him this afternoon and my day is complete. i thought i'll never gonna see him today since he is on a trip somewhere. i went to his office to check out if his there but no he's not.
i was about to leave when i run into him. i am supposed to stalk but he walks too fast and so i lost sight of him. well, it's okay.at least i have seen him today. :)

cause granny said so

"if your husband turned cold like a rock, you can't do anything about it."

early this morning just when i'm about to take a bath my grandmother started saying things about relationships and its bitter ends. she said if a man's love for his wife slowly diminishes as time goes by, and if the time will come when the man feels nothing special for his wife anymore, the woman can't do anything about it. no matter how much she love the guy, she can't anymore bring out the passion they once had. granny even reminisced the past and of those her friends' relationships which ended up cold and bitter.

that made me think: why is it to be that way? why can't they just love each other till the end? cause how can they even muster to say those vows when they can't stand it in the long run?

but you know, i have no accounts on saying these things or to give consistent opinions cause i haven't in a serious relationship before or even now.

i just wonder why granny said it with much conviction. like she's pretty sure every relationships end up that way.