less bitter

think like a man.

i think like a man and act like one. now what's wrong with that?

dear you,
         i just thought of writing something today. it's been a while and nothing really changed except that i don't think much of you these days already. maybe i have already accepted the reality that we could never be what i always think about us would be. no never. not anymore. so i'll just let myself, my mind absorb that.
anyway, last week it came to my thought that it is impossible for me to be someone else. and there is no point and no essence acting like another person. because though i can be like her, i can never be parallel to her or be her cause i'm another person. i'm a being separate from another. and so even if i had the idea of her copied, i am and will never be like her. so that was really stupid of me to even think of doing things the other person's way.
        however, there are times when i thought of myself what if i am as gentle and proper as the other. would i be happy? no. just thinking about it really put every nerve in my system indignant. so i concluded, being that other person or acting to be that other even in my mind is stupid.
       

child

i like your childlike innocence. when i see your face, shine with awe and delight. like you see things for the first time. the blooming of the flower, the early sunrise, even the most common things. when you lay your eyes on them, it's like watching a child playing his toy... attentive, amusing, innocent, curious.
i like your natural disposition. despite of the world's trickery and evil. you never let that child in you die or weaken. you always make me feel that the world here and even the world beyond is an infinite adventure, always an exciting journey.
be happy. stay that way. and let your smile give us delight.

just before i let go

now let me savor this bitterness
and let it flow through my veins,
into my heart
that it may weaken its pulse tonight.

now let me savor this anger
that's rotting my mind
and let me loose myself
into sad memories tonight.

now let me savor this pain
and remember the short gasp
of my breath in between
stabs of the dagger.

now let me savor the tears
that salts my wounded heart
that in this woundedness
i may find my salvation;
that in it's scar
will grow beautiful a flower.

let me savor the sight of you
that when i see you
i may feel care not indifference,
and gratitude not hate

let me savor our small talks
then in the languidness of your words
i may find joy and peace,
a balm to my swollen heart.

let me savor the last romance
that when i wake up in the morning
i may accept the reality that your love
is just one of the stars the
twinkles at night.

hope not a typical boring day

not the typical morning blog. my sister and i had a too-emotional quarrel this morning. well let me straight that, she was the one being too emotional and exaggerating about it.  i lost her ribbon. or to put it right, it wasn't me who lost it but my psycho classmate Toni. grrr. the pig-shit! just thinking bout him made me mutter curses under my mouth. i called him so that he would explain that i have nothing to do with it and it's totally his mad doing. but the numb-head is out of reach. hence i receive all my sister's dreadful wrath. she cried and cursed me. yeah, she cursed. she's really good at it. i may say that that is her forte.

my brother while listening to our bickering is too excited to tell it to mom. he really likes it when i am scolded. no wonder he's too happy this morning. oh well, i guess i just have to get myself backed up. it's inevitable anyway. and it wouldn't last long. since i'll be going home late. : p

i expect this day to be a lot boring. i know it is because i'm planning my schedule for the whole day and it sucks. i hate planning. well i'm not good at it. besides things that i plan rarely fall into place. so most of the time i just leave things and try to do my best in my chores. anyway, yeah, i planned the whole day. aaahhh. duh. forget it. stop thinking about it. leave this day to the hands of the good fate. come what may. whatever will be will be. (^^.))

late entry

here i am, sitting at the benches along this narrow aisle. waiting for my friends to come out.
(my teacher passed by when i wrote this. eeeeee! i haven't greeted him! huhuhu! stupid!)
they are having this really boring class in physiology and their teacher hasn't released them yet. oh well. i guess i have to wait longer. (after a short while.) weee! finally! dismissed! hehehe.

dialogue with friends:

me: tagal niyo noh?
friend: pinagalitan kami
me: actually kami din
friend: ganyan talaga siguro pag malapit na finals
me: umiinit ulo ng mga teachers. tsk... last-school-term syndrome

i'm too high, i wanna fly.
i'm too high, you can't reach me.
i'll see to it.
 you won't reach me.
stretch those arms.
even farther than before.
use your reserved charms.
praise me. adore.


****

hey blog. i haven't done most of my tasks today.i feel like i haven't accomplished the thing i should have done today. it's like, something is missing and there's no way i can make it complete, as of the moment. there are lot of stuffs i should attend to. yet i'm too high with my drugs and i feel like too fly to be worried of anything not him.

day with my teachers

my teacher/intellectual crush and i wore the same color of shirt. white. :)

just this morning i was thinking what shirt should i wear and i said, i want it white because it represents sincerity. :) my lovely horror!! he's wearing white too. hehehhehe. if you're a girl you already know what i'm thinking. hehhehe. (*kilig) this is the collective unconscious on the move. connecting me to him. weeee! wishing. free wishing... (^^.)/ 

***

my teacher in history got angry in our class. after giving us some tongue-lashings she walked out. busted. tsk. my seatmate told me that our teacher is growing his wisdom tooth. . . hmmm. lesson learned, always ask if your teacher is experiencing discomforts before having the class, that might trigger her irritation and anger if you do one false move....like giggling and she's not happy about it. whew. 

3:36 pm, Kubo

hey, (i am always confused as to whom should i address my entries. duh. much concern with the trifles.)

well anyway, hey blog, i'm all by myself today. all of my classmates are attending there classes and so i'm left. but i don't mind really, at least i can have a piece of solitude everyday. 

i feel restless and i know why. for many reasons i can't seem to focus my mind, collect my thoughts and place it on harmony. a lot of personal and academic concerns are bothering me right now, and i don't know where should i start. well, i believe i'm starting now through writing it all down. :) 

just this morning i was stricken by tidal waves of emotions. i nearly drown myself. i tried to calm every nerves of my system, and was partially successful. now i'm okay, i guess. 

here goes my eye balls again, seeking for someone i want to forget. 

i so want to talk about what happen to me this morning. write the details of my tangled emotions. but i think the place is too uncomfortable. :p

anyway, we'll have a quiz tonight in history. i reviewed my notes already but still not confident. 

i am worried about my tuition. though it's my parents who should be worrying right now. i'm still affected anyhow. haist, i'll just try to shoo this off my mind. it will just drain my psychic energy. 

my hands are trembling and restless. it feels like an energy so strong is suppressed within me and it wants to escape out. i badly need an outlet. someone to punch or to shout or to talk to. i don't know. i just want this energy out of my system and drain myself. until i can give no more. then maybe i can sleep after.