hey blog,

 nothing really interesting except that, still, i'm worried about that money i lost. good thing is, i'm not alone in this that's why there's no point giving up and gloom. all is well,all will be well. :') 

humility

the knowledge that i accumulated, the people i conversed with, the experience i had taught me the art of humility.  reason is the pride of my "humaness", by reason i integrated the gist of the experiences i had in my past and present life. the conglomerated perspectives sow the seed of humility in me. i listen with open heart and open mind. entertain opinions foreign to me, and with them, i learn the things i haven't known. it leads me to an unusual side of the road, but making sure i will not loose sight of my goals.

let me update me and you about myself.

what's the latest updates about me?

since i'm tired of thinking about someone, why not think myself now? not that i've totally neglected myself. but recently, i guess every thing i think of is about things not really concerning or has nothing to so with self growth and development. i guess i have been to obsessed with the fictional him-and-me relationship i'm cooking in my head. duh. i know, i know, there could be no girl more pathetic than me...(but you could pin point some worse than me. cause i guess i'm not the only one existing who feels this kind of insanity.) 

anyway, things gone normally unusual since i stepped into this course. it's normal in kinda not normal way i guess... do you know what i mean? i hope i can explain this well someday...someday when i'll come to comprehend it myself. that won't be sooner than you imagine. let me enumerate few of those things or lets say"evidences": first, i bring big bag in school. it's too big that my granny always make fun of it every morning before i go to school. like asking what mountain i'll be climbing this time. basically because my bag is not as big as them but just slight smaller. so every time i went to school, the feeling is like balancing earth on my back. some even joke that my bag is way bigger than me, or am i stowing away cause it seems like i brought all my stuffs in my cabinet. duh. but what really is inside this bag and why is it so big? inside it are my books, my laptop, a beauty kit (just powder and lip balm), notebooks, pens, chargers.. that's all i guess..no snake or something. why big? cause i don't have any other bags left. the last time i used this was way back my grade school years. so it's kinda antique already. 

second, God bless me, i'm studying my lessons. i read those that i should really be reading. unlike before when i just take a final exam for granted and read some other books, impractically not related to my course. but now i'm kinda experiencing the procrastination again, yet i'm coping it up. and i guess i could really manage it if i'm positively and consistently motivated by myself...cause who else will do it for me anyway? so that slight of problem is solved already, so i have a little worries about it now. i hope i could keep this up till the end of the semester.... or forever. hehehe. 

third, i have my faith in God in me. 

is this for you?

there are times that i want to lie inside the nest of nostalgia, and comfort myself with the vague memories of you and me, that i try not to disappear to oblivion. maybe that's why i want to re-member and recapitulate those times when i thought that you looked at me with sincere feelings. when i thought that you, and that light i see in you, transcends through my heart and stayed there, for a while. but why, the more i remember and play back those discs of memories, they start to betray my mind, the more i think of it...less i'm convinced that there was really a time that you felt something peculiar for me. that feeling i dare to explain, for the sheer hope of finding some hints you laid there for me to seek and ponder. yet, even though i tell myself every night, like that of a mother repeats her fairy tale to her child, i slowly forget things. forget some of the details, it's not that vivid anymore. and not just the memories but also the feelings i have, morphed into it's "safe" form.

maybe, things should end up this way, perhaps for us. though i try to refuse, the signs foreshadowed the near end...it seems inevitable says my mind...seems inevitable this time. and even though the heart is waging some war against it, the heart, in the middle of the battle, lost the vigor to held it's sword and her eyes once filled with fierce, lost its hue.

i'm giving myself a rest, for a while.

your magic continues in the words you say, in those you write, in everything you do...the magic is in you. making them more visible in my senses everyday, giving me the reason to find my own unique magic. ever since we have never been that close, or give myself a chance to get close to you, even though there are times that i seem to think that have i really known you as who you are, or as what God made you, you. there are times when i thought that what i see and what you let me see or make me think of you is all right for me, and nevertheless, should be satisfied. but why this urge, this wanting to discover you even more ignites in my bosom? why this strong feeling says...i want you more. i want you and more. i want more, of you. and for this to happen...i ask for some time with you. but why don't we give ourselves a chance? or is it just me thinking of that, this whole knowing-you-knowing-me affair i'm cooking...i'm cooking and i want us to share the experience.

i;m giving myself reasons, in the absence or in the vagueness of the questions starting to take roots in my mind. and what reasons do i give myself? and for what are they? i may know the answer now, and may tell you, yet, i refuse myself, i refuse to give myself in fear of... a lot of things to be feared of. Reasons...reasons...keys to my conundrums, then i'm leading myself in a road unstable, changing and constantly disappearing. this meanings i'm giving to symbols you never let me see, cause let me admit it, you never did made your self readable to me. why? i am asking this now, the question i should have asked myself and you before i am where i am now, before where we are now. now i'm standing beside my window, restless and tired, waiting when will my frog prince give me the answer to this question. because i'm tired formulating and reasoning, when i don't even know if there is really some one to be reasoned to, if there is really something worth the time reasoning and demystifying.

it seems to me that i'm writing my own fairy tale and it's unfinished, cause the prince seemed to be unsure of himself. so let me put this pen for a while, then wait, someday, your hands will hold mine, and together we can do something, our story, both you and me will write.

(for a moment, i just thought the introduction has nothing to do with the whole thing. hehehhehe)

20th

it's only God's love that is constant, unchangeable, forever, unwavering, genuine.

Lord God, thank you for giving me the blessing of reaching this year. ^^. 

happy 20th anniversary to us, Lord, through all this years, you've been my faithful partner. 

praises and glory to Him. 

DUH!

hey it's me blogger,
         God has been so great to me for having me enrolled in this course, for giving me wonderful dedicated companies to be with, for my family, for my gift of knowledge. yet, i think i am not using the most of these gifts. i mean if i am to assess my performance at the end of the grading, i feel i haven't done my best in all. tracing back the past weeks, i remember myself sauntering and procrastinating a lot, specially on those times that i supposed to be doing my homework, or projects, or reading in advance. God, i'm afraid i'm doing the cycle again. motivated at first, then slowly i decline the pace. oh how i hate it to happen, never again, i won't let myself do that.
         the fruits of my procrastination yield me bad grades, that sucks. i should be doing something. let me dig down the core of this. i always sleep late and wake up too early in the morning due to my schedule. i go to school early so that i could still have much longer time for my academics, i also do the same in the afternoon since i have a 5 hours vacant time; time that should be used productively.  it is fashioned in such way so that when i get home, i won't have anything to worry about so as i did everything that should be done in school. but this framework is beginning not to be useful and declining in such a way that i cannot seem to study well anymore. i wake up 5 am, do my task, prepare for school. i reach school at approximately 7:20 am, i should be studying YET instead of doing so, i waste my time surfing the net! imagine, from 7:30-9:30...crap. then the moment i stop i'll just then realize that i never made use of my time efficiently, and the same thing happens in my 1:00- 5:00 pm vacant time. isn't this great?? weeks went by and my stamina is slowly failing me, including my mental vigor. usually i study almost every time i get the chance but now i'm more occupied on dilly-dallying.
         i believe there is something wrong with my schedule and with myself here. i wake up too early i sleep late. i don't have enough rest which results to poor academic performance. see, how can i study well if i'm tired?? and how hypocrite am i to be claiming that i study when in fact i do otherwise! i have been experiencing headache due to unbalance sleeping schedule, hence, i neglect my studies over catching some good rest wherever i can get the chance. this is not good.
          i also believe it's something to do with my motivations, i observed that every time i attempt to laze i always think of "someone" as my stimulus, which i think is not helpful. i mean, "ice" is a good source of motivation but i think i shouldn't just revolve myself around him. i'm not doing what i suppose to do. what a person who has a crush to an intellectual person supposed to do! damn! and it is: doing my best to be more DESERVING FOR MYSELF... you think he will be happy if he happens to know that i have been acting stupid??
          second round of tongue slashing myself; never ever say that he alone should be the one motivating you, cause eventually when things go haywire, specially your over sensitivity; so will be you're academics. don't let that happen. be motivated by YOURSELF, where is your competitive "animalistic" side?? my radar can't sense or locate the perfectionist's instincts. this is not so you... haven't you notice that?? you've been acting mediocre and you hate "mediocre". or do you want me to bitch-slap you?!


DUUUHH!!!!