still home

STILL YOUR HOME


far away you may go,
to distant islands you know
meet people, count the miles
be happy and forget the time
only one thing i want you to know,
when you come back
i'm still your home.

darling, as the clock ticks
and your heart beats fast
for the things you yearn,
trust that my love will last
even if it's not your concern.
you might be with strangers
and go to strange places,
but when you come back
feel the familiar love you have known,
i'm still your home.

chorus:

waiting, i'll be waiting
with my face on the window
hoping for your coming
a flower i held
in my hands,
like i held trust
in my heart.

_________________________

i wrote this while thinking of you. i hope someone will lay a good tune on it.

me and my God

my God.
my strength.
my wisdom.
my thoughts.
the air i breath,
the life i live,
this is all Yours.

my God.
my courage.
my shield.
my voice.
i praise you,
with all my art
my talent, my gifts
that you blessed me.
they are all Yours,
i am Yours and You
are mine.

my God.
my spirit.
my heart rejoices,
singing hymns
for all the grace,
the trials i face,
You and You alone
stood by me.

Amen.


Lord, my God, in the silence of the night, my soul is aching. and nothing is felt by the heart that is barren and dry with loneliness and anxiety, with nonsense worries and fears, with scorn and envy, with pride and guilt. Lord, i have forgotten our promise, the promise of the faithful, the spoken and not spoken. i have forgotten, or, perhaps, i fell upon the hands of deep rebellion and there i was strangled by my own wrong reasonings and selfish pride. Lord, this times i have forgotten to thank you and ask for forgiveness, i have forgotten that You have never forgotten me. even at times when i am alone and thinking and worrying about uncertainty, i am mostly not me, for i am not with You, cause i am not thinking with You. that there is You, and i need not to worry for You will be with me, whatever it is that i face. You God is my strength and my courage, and to whom should i put my trust, only to You, through me, and through the people around me.
everyday is a manefestation of your love for me, and when i wake up, i know i love You and You love me. i know, living my life happily, as you wish, will be the only thing you want me to do. my happiness is my gift to You. and look how amazing You are my Lord, it is not like repaying for your kindness, but it is a favor for me. all You ask is for me to live the life You wanted me to have, a happy and contented life. then why am i not doing this? why am i hiding behind the shadow of insecurity and pride? this is not Your will. these things won't make me happier. then why am i doing this?
in my pursuit to find my place, in my forcing to uncover the mysteries, in my placing mself above everyone, i have forgotten and lost track of what i really want...genuine happiness, the thing You want me to have, my one and only gift i can give You. i am lost. am i not? i want to be with You my God. and i know you always stays in my heart. till the end of time. till i not think of time anymore. You are always be there for me. and You never forget to remind me of that, to make me feel Your presence.

i love You, and thank You. Amen.

and i slept

from a distance, i can hear a mother
singing a lullaby, can you stay that way
and sing for me for a little while.
i am but a stranger wandering the night
bless my soul with your balming voice.
pour on me your kindness
and let me sleep upon your feet,
just for the night. just for the night.

i walk slowly, nearer you
let me have a closer look of your calm face
let your song give miracle to my weary soul
that it might be healed, and renewed,
and then i can go on with my long journey.
for i am a stranger and tired.
let me hear you sing please,
i'll be sitting upon your feet and rest my
labored body, just for the night, just for the night.

now i'm sitting upon your feet,
and you motioned me on your lap,
how kind of you, but you don't know me,
"you are my child" you said, "you were lost for a while
and now you are back, i have been with you,
i have never left you, i am just waiting for you.
come and i'll sing you the song i used to sing
when you sleep."
"just for the night?" i said.
"tonight, and the nights to come." you said smiling.


i have slept.

alone and missing

my heart listens to a sad whistle
from a stranger beneath an autumn tree
leaving reds and browns
i am counting the days
happiness
cannot seem to give me a sound.
tears glistens on dry lands
you are far my dear,
remind me no more of the distance.

why?

Why are you showing me your wounds?
you think i have the remedy?

why are you telling me your weaknesses?
i can't make you strong, i won't be generous enough
to give you my strength.

why are you showing your tears?
if i can't make them feel on my cheeks.

why are you staying lonely?
if it won't make you any better.

why are you singing the same song?
there's more i the playlist.

why are you looking at me?
if i show you no mercy.

why do you you want to be heard?
if you know i am deaf.

why am i saying these?
you're not even listening.

focus

everything this summer onward will be a lot different, different in a sense that i am stepping on a very difficult path that requires maturity and ironed will to brace myself from the dangers of mental fatigues, stress bombs, pressures that might possibly damage a weak mental system. expecting to be grilled but not disheveled, expecting to be stormed but still trying to hold on to the ground, resilience through extreme and unwanted changes, these might all come to me hard and unexpected.... but this will be the life i will lead for the years to come. i am deciding for myself now, but i am not doing it alone. of course my parents should have knowledge of my decisions. however, i would not let them keep me from doing what i think i can, just because they think i cannot. and that is why through smooth and intelligible persuasion, i know i'll gain their approval and allow me to take my own course.

this is all so new to me. work and studies together... though i know how far i can get, how tough i can go, how long i can sustain. i know myself more than anyone else, i know that i can do it, because i can. and when i think i can, this serves as impetus in times i might be losing focus and hope. this is all too difficult, but i know myself, the more things get harder by day, the greater is my motivation to achieve more. 

FOCUS

3rd of january 2012

 i am again feeling down with all these shits that's happening. i don't know if i have to vomit this out, literally. cause there is a somewhat thick lump that's blocking the passage of my airways, it's like mental asphyxia or something. i just feel choked that's all. i want someone to talk to but i have no phone to call someone and i think there's no one person within my sphere whom i can really talk to and let out all these negative vibes in my clutters. so as usual, and as i always do in times of magnified despair..... i'm just gonna blog these all down.
today is Friday. last day of the weekdays. suppose to be a lovely day for me but something happened within my system that i can't even curve a smile to a friend. Over thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking of or concerned about. okay let me get this straight. i'm just kinda pissed off to myself lately on all these procrastination and daydreaming sessions. i can't even focus myself on setting a single goal of a day. i just feel so useless and worthless and weak and isolated and damn! shit! the fuck i'm doing with myself. am i the same me before? i seemed to be the most dumb student in her class. going to school not ready is not part of my system anymore, that's what i thought. but where am i leading myself again? nowhere.

another thing, a news struck me this morning. i shouldn't asked her about it. it hell ruined my day, sure it did. i found out that Sir B thinks that i'm just seeing him as a "father figure"! now that made all these confusions and mixed emotions. overt thinking, stop it. won't make things any better for me. i make things complicated, am i having fun with this? NO.

so what? so what if he thinks that way. that wouldn't change my feelings.that wouldn't hold me back. no one can understand me any better than myself. sometime i will trace back my childhood and find out clues on my behavioral problems now. but you know, if it's true that all of these physiological, mental, and emotional changes that's going on in my system every time i engage myself in a conversation with him, or when i think of him, or when he comes near....is just a consequence of my unconscious desire for a father figure. i would be doomed for a single-with-a-child life. but  i also have a lot of fears when that happens. i won't let my child to have the same cycle of searching for a father figure. whom should i blame then? my father or brother who never let me feel or experience the joy of being a daughter or a sister?

father figure or whatsoever you want to call it Sir B. you might be the best clinical psychologist but you don't know exactly what i feel so who are you to judge me and say those things. and stop labeling this feelings with names you learned in books, cause there is no test that can adequately capture this construct.