in words

  you are right there, few steps away from me, explaining things i barely understand. here i am reading the vowels of your lips, always close to your heart, grasping the unfathomable distance. not heaven and earth, nor the metaphors of life and death. 


you are so near and yet so far. 

randomness

downloading his video in my laptop, internet connection empowered by the weakest wifi connection in our school. this sucks.i can't download the video!!!
i'm just gonna frustrate myself. better stop this.

^^^^

i'm in love. let me label that? do i have the guts to say that?
i have seen him this afternoon and my day is complete. i thought i'll never gonna see him today since he is on a trip somewhere. i went to his office to check out if his there but no he's not.
i was about to leave when i run into him. i am supposed to stalk but he walks too fast and so i lost sight of him. well, it's okay.at least i have seen him today. :)

cause granny said so

"if your husband turned cold like a rock, you can't do anything about it."

early this morning just when i'm about to take a bath my grandmother started saying things about relationships and its bitter ends. she said if a man's love for his wife slowly diminishes as time goes by, and if the time will come when the man feels nothing special for his wife anymore, the woman can't do anything about it. no matter how much she love the guy, she can't anymore bring out the passion they once had. granny even reminisced the past and of those her friends' relationships which ended up cold and bitter.

that made me think: why is it to be that way? why can't they just love each other till the end? cause how can they even muster to say those vows when they can't stand it in the long run?

but you know, i have no accounts on saying these things or to give consistent opinions cause i haven't in a serious relationship before or even now.

i just wonder why granny said it with much conviction. like she's pretty sure every relationships end up that way.

i can't run away from the detective within

i am the best interrogator of myself. i know when i lie, i know when i'm honest. i don't even have to write things down or say it cause even before i did, my feelings already knows everything and i don't have a sweet escape from it. maybe people say i'm the greatest liar or subtlest con artist but certainly not to myself. i am a bad liar. and if there's a person i want to bitch slap, she is me. cause i know what i'm thinking and no matter how much i deny facts and feelings, they insist like mushrooms in my head. they seem to be inescapable. 

i am a prisoner of my own deceits and how i wish to free myself from it, even in thoughts. 

less bitter

think like a man.

i think like a man and act like one. now what's wrong with that?

dear you,
         i just thought of writing something today. it's been a while and nothing really changed except that i don't think much of you these days already. maybe i have already accepted the reality that we could never be what i always think about us would be. no never. not anymore. so i'll just let myself, my mind absorb that.
anyway, last week it came to my thought that it is impossible for me to be someone else. and there is no point and no essence acting like another person. because though i can be like her, i can never be parallel to her or be her cause i'm another person. i'm a being separate from another. and so even if i had the idea of her copied, i am and will never be like her. so that was really stupid of me to even think of doing things the other person's way.
        however, there are times when i thought of myself what if i am as gentle and proper as the other. would i be happy? no. just thinking about it really put every nerve in my system indignant. so i concluded, being that other person or acting to be that other even in my mind is stupid.
       

child

i like your childlike innocence. when i see your face, shine with awe and delight. like you see things for the first time. the blooming of the flower, the early sunrise, even the most common things. when you lay your eyes on them, it's like watching a child playing his toy... attentive, amusing, innocent, curious.
i like your natural disposition. despite of the world's trickery and evil. you never let that child in you die or weaken. you always make me feel that the world here and even the world beyond is an infinite adventure, always an exciting journey.
be happy. stay that way. and let your smile give us delight.

just before i let go

now let me savor this bitterness
and let it flow through my veins,
into my heart
that it may weaken its pulse tonight.

now let me savor this anger
that's rotting my mind
and let me loose myself
into sad memories tonight.

now let me savor this pain
and remember the short gasp
of my breath in between
stabs of the dagger.

now let me savor the tears
that salts my wounded heart
that in this woundedness
i may find my salvation;
that in it's scar
will grow beautiful a flower.

let me savor the sight of you
that when i see you
i may feel care not indifference,
and gratitude not hate

let me savor our small talks
then in the languidness of your words
i may find joy and peace,
a balm to my swollen heart.

let me savor the last romance
that when i wake up in the morning
i may accept the reality that your love
is just one of the stars the
twinkles at night.