the current status is: -0

if there is one thing i should hate my self about is my skill to pretend i'm fine when in truth it's otherwise. they say it's a kind of ability i should be thankful of because not all can smile and hurt at the same time. not all can make others laugh when deep inside you have many reasons to gloom and frown. i'm thankful i am but sometimes i feel like all of my hurtful feeling are stuck within me that i just want to shout it all and cry my heart just so to make me feel good... feel better...feel vulnerable and weak and fine.

i wanna cry because i'm jealous and like the jealousy is so unbearable. finally, i mustered all my courage just to write this...jealous. no word can best or less explain what i felt just a while ago.

now what? what if i'm jealous? so what if you really look good together? so what if i we can never be? so what if she has greater chances than me? so what if there's no point denying your chemistry? would that make me less in love? YES! I SHOULD!

so let me make sense of this entry: i am not jealous...i am excruciatingly jealous.

pathetic post.

can we just stop and talk a while?

there are things i wanna do with you like forgetting about that agreement we had before and just go with the flow of the wind... the wind, or is it some invisible gravity that leads me to you, and pull us together. you know what, i hope we could have some time and talk about mundane things with each other like what ordinary couples do. that is if i can consider us "couples"...which i think you'll certainly object..cause we know we're not. well anyway,  yeah, let's talk over a cup of coffee and say things we wanted to say, things we are both suppressing for a long time now, things which your stare and frequent glances want to say but can't actually be conveyed by such gestures, issues we want to resolve, issues that are constantly haunting me or even you.
but taking those silly issues aside...can we just stop and talk a while? wouldn't that be nice? i mean let's experience each other by conversation and whatnot. you know, there are a lot of things can be expressed through words and not just by a kiss. and those are a lot sensible. and by that, we don't know, perhaps we could  finally make sense of this whole affair that we have.
well, there are just two possible outcomes really... that is a dead end or a continuation. by dead end i mean dead, a period, a stop sign, a red light, a no and no more. we let go like nothing happened and just like how we started it...meaningless and fake. hate to say this and i hate my self for being brutally honest and unsure of my feelings. this is not meaningless because if it is then i wouldn't be thinking of you half the day, i wouldn't want us to have that cup of coffee together and get to know each other more. if this is fake, then that kiss, and the feelings i felt at the moment is decisive. but no, i'm trying to convince my self. and partly, i am.
second would be a continuation, a road we will be strolling together. and isn't that...lovely? (*free wishing)

hey blog,

 nothing really interesting except that, still, i'm worried about that money i lost. good thing is, i'm not alone in this that's why there's no point giving up and gloom. all is well,all will be well. :') 

humility

the knowledge that i accumulated, the people i conversed with, the experience i had taught me the art of humility.  reason is the pride of my "humaness", by reason i integrated the gist of the experiences i had in my past and present life. the conglomerated perspectives sow the seed of humility in me. i listen with open heart and open mind. entertain opinions foreign to me, and with them, i learn the things i haven't known. it leads me to an unusual side of the road, but making sure i will not loose sight of my goals.

let me update me and you about myself.

what's the latest updates about me?

since i'm tired of thinking about someone, why not think myself now? not that i've totally neglected myself. but recently, i guess every thing i think of is about things not really concerning or has nothing to so with self growth and development. i guess i have been to obsessed with the fictional him-and-me relationship i'm cooking in my head. duh. i know, i know, there could be no girl more pathetic than me...(but you could pin point some worse than me. cause i guess i'm not the only one existing who feels this kind of insanity.) 

anyway, things gone normally unusual since i stepped into this course. it's normal in kinda not normal way i guess... do you know what i mean? i hope i can explain this well someday...someday when i'll come to comprehend it myself. that won't be sooner than you imagine. let me enumerate few of those things or lets say"evidences": first, i bring big bag in school. it's too big that my granny always make fun of it every morning before i go to school. like asking what mountain i'll be climbing this time. basically because my bag is not as big as them but just slight smaller. so every time i went to school, the feeling is like balancing earth on my back. some even joke that my bag is way bigger than me, or am i stowing away cause it seems like i brought all my stuffs in my cabinet. duh. but what really is inside this bag and why is it so big? inside it are my books, my laptop, a beauty kit (just powder and lip balm), notebooks, pens, chargers.. that's all i guess..no snake or something. why big? cause i don't have any other bags left. the last time i used this was way back my grade school years. so it's kinda antique already. 

second, God bless me, i'm studying my lessons. i read those that i should really be reading. unlike before when i just take a final exam for granted and read some other books, impractically not related to my course. but now i'm kinda experiencing the procrastination again, yet i'm coping it up. and i guess i could really manage it if i'm positively and consistently motivated by myself...cause who else will do it for me anyway? so that slight of problem is solved already, so i have a little worries about it now. i hope i could keep this up till the end of the semester.... or forever. hehehe. 

third, i have my faith in God in me. 

is this for you?

there are times that i want to lie inside the nest of nostalgia, and comfort myself with the vague memories of you and me, that i try not to disappear to oblivion. maybe that's why i want to re-member and recapitulate those times when i thought that you looked at me with sincere feelings. when i thought that you, and that light i see in you, transcends through my heart and stayed there, for a while. but why, the more i remember and play back those discs of memories, they start to betray my mind, the more i think of it...less i'm convinced that there was really a time that you felt something peculiar for me. that feeling i dare to explain, for the sheer hope of finding some hints you laid there for me to seek and ponder. yet, even though i tell myself every night, like that of a mother repeats her fairy tale to her child, i slowly forget things. forget some of the details, it's not that vivid anymore. and not just the memories but also the feelings i have, morphed into it's "safe" form.

maybe, things should end up this way, perhaps for us. though i try to refuse, the signs foreshadowed the near end...it seems inevitable says my mind...seems inevitable this time. and even though the heart is waging some war against it, the heart, in the middle of the battle, lost the vigor to held it's sword and her eyes once filled with fierce, lost its hue.

i'm giving myself a rest, for a while.

your magic continues in the words you say, in those you write, in everything you do...the magic is in you. making them more visible in my senses everyday, giving me the reason to find my own unique magic. ever since we have never been that close, or give myself a chance to get close to you, even though there are times that i seem to think that have i really known you as who you are, or as what God made you, you. there are times when i thought that what i see and what you let me see or make me think of you is all right for me, and nevertheless, should be satisfied. but why this urge, this wanting to discover you even more ignites in my bosom? why this strong feeling says...i want you more. i want you and more. i want more, of you. and for this to happen...i ask for some time with you. but why don't we give ourselves a chance? or is it just me thinking of that, this whole knowing-you-knowing-me affair i'm cooking...i'm cooking and i want us to share the experience.

i;m giving myself reasons, in the absence or in the vagueness of the questions starting to take roots in my mind. and what reasons do i give myself? and for what are they? i may know the answer now, and may tell you, yet, i refuse myself, i refuse to give myself in fear of... a lot of things to be feared of. Reasons...reasons...keys to my conundrums, then i'm leading myself in a road unstable, changing and constantly disappearing. this meanings i'm giving to symbols you never let me see, cause let me admit it, you never did made your self readable to me. why? i am asking this now, the question i should have asked myself and you before i am where i am now, before where we are now. now i'm standing beside my window, restless and tired, waiting when will my frog prince give me the answer to this question. because i'm tired formulating and reasoning, when i don't even know if there is really some one to be reasoned to, if there is really something worth the time reasoning and demystifying.

it seems to me that i'm writing my own fairy tale and it's unfinished, cause the prince seemed to be unsure of himself. so let me put this pen for a while, then wait, someday, your hands will hold mine, and together we can do something, our story, both you and me will write.

(for a moment, i just thought the introduction has nothing to do with the whole thing. hehehhehe)