3rd of january 2012

 i am again feeling down with all these shits that's happening. i don't know if i have to vomit this out, literally. cause there is a somewhat thick lump that's blocking the passage of my airways, it's like mental asphyxia or something. i just feel choked that's all. i want someone to talk to but i have no phone to call someone and i think there's no one person within my sphere whom i can really talk to and let out all these negative vibes in my clutters. so as usual, and as i always do in times of magnified despair..... i'm just gonna blog these all down.
today is Friday. last day of the weekdays. suppose to be a lovely day for me but something happened within my system that i can't even curve a smile to a friend. Over thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking of or concerned about. okay let me get this straight. i'm just kinda pissed off to myself lately on all these procrastination and daydreaming sessions. i can't even focus myself on setting a single goal of a day. i just feel so useless and worthless and weak and isolated and damn! shit! the fuck i'm doing with myself. am i the same me before? i seemed to be the most dumb student in her class. going to school not ready is not part of my system anymore, that's what i thought. but where am i leading myself again? nowhere.

another thing, a news struck me this morning. i shouldn't asked her about it. it hell ruined my day, sure it did. i found out that Sir B thinks that i'm just seeing him as a "father figure"! now that made all these confusions and mixed emotions. overt thinking, stop it. won't make things any better for me. i make things complicated, am i having fun with this? NO.

so what? so what if he thinks that way. that wouldn't change my feelings.that wouldn't hold me back. no one can understand me any better than myself. sometime i will trace back my childhood and find out clues on my behavioral problems now. but you know, if it's true that all of these physiological, mental, and emotional changes that's going on in my system every time i engage myself in a conversation with him, or when i think of him, or when he comes near....is just a consequence of my unconscious desire for a father figure. i would be doomed for a single-with-a-child life. but  i also have a lot of fears when that happens. i won't let my child to have the same cycle of searching for a father figure. whom should i blame then? my father or brother who never let me feel or experience the joy of being a daughter or a sister?

father figure or whatsoever you want to call it Sir B. you might be the best clinical psychologist but you don't know exactly what i feel so who are you to judge me and say those things. and stop labeling this feelings with names you learned in books, cause there is no test that can adequately capture this construct.